I haven’t been posting simply because I haven’t been inspired.  I have been dealing with Benjamin’s injury and my search for an apartment to get me back to Berkeley.  With these stresses, I just have had a block.  My mind gets fixated on the tasks at hand, and I turn inward and away from sharing.  I feel like I am opening up a bit now.

Benjamin is  making good progress.  He isn’t fully weight bearing on his back left leg- but he is definetly walking on it and seems way more comfortable than 4 weeks ago.  The first several weeks sucked-  he didn’t understand why he couldn’t go with me on the evening walk.  He had to lay around all day and all night with only short pee and poop breaks.  I have spent tons of m0ney on raw bones for him to chew on.  I have spent hours massaging and brushing him.  I hired an expert to come over and do massage and acupressure.  I even talked to an animal communicator.

I notice that when something happens that  is stressful in my life- I immediately need to figure out how to fix it. To make it right again. I go into action mode.  This can be a good thing-  because sometimes you can repair life’s broken paths…and then sometimes you can’t fully fix it.  I realized this morning- that even if my boy’s leg is repaired- that he still be the old man that has arthritis everywhere.  I can do everything possible to make him comfortable and happy- but I can’t give him a young boy’s body. and here comes that hard to swallow word-  Acceptance…acceptance of What Is.  I always come back to this humble place.  My heart yearns for the ability to accept what is.  I know if I can reach this place-  I will know what inner peace truly feels like

I am inching forward to being “okay” with where Benjamin and I are at right now.  I still have my kicking and screaming days- just yesterday- I threw a mini tantrum  on a walk with my girls-  just yelling “life is NOT fair”.  I really let Life have it- a few good cuss words and a few loud screams  got me to a place of peace for a little while.  sometimes the way to peace is through a good scream!

Benjamin is doing much better than I am.  Sure, he is a little confused why we turn around after our 5 minute walk.  Sure, he is looking at me with a “why” look when I leave with the girls and not him on our evening walks.  But allin all-  what he is missing in walks, he is getting tenfold in love, brushing, kong treats, doggy massage, acupressure and good conversation!  This restricted exercise will last minimum 8 weeks  ( we are in week 3) and I actually think I may survive it without too many more tantrums.  Once again, I am learning acceptance from the master-  Benjamin.  Right at this moment- while I am thinking how I wish he could come with me and the girls, he is busy  chewing his pig hoof stuffed with Tripe, not a care in the world, filled  up with love and bliss.  That’s my boy.

and honestly- I did not want to share more grief and sadness with everyone. I just have felt like shit over all the Benjamin struggles and did not want to worry or concern people. Thankfully, I get to be with the most loving dogs every day on my walks-to be greeted with such enthusiasm and warmth every day makes a world of difference for my state of mind. I am blessed to have this career- walking dogs in nature. It really helps when times are hard.

I honestly don’t have the energy to go into all the medical stuff with Benjamin right now. I will say he has a Partial ACL ( knee) tear and I am opting to do a program of severe exercise restriction called Conservative Management over surgery for the next 8 weeks. If I see little improvement, my boy will have to go under the knife. I hope this does not happen, he is old and I don’t want to put him through surgery.

I have alot more to say but not the energy to do it, so I will wait for one of those inspired mornings when my mind is open and ready to communicate.

Thank you all for your support and caring. It means so much.

I am a professional dog trainer and dog walker. I have a home to maintain. I have bills to pay. and I feel like falling apart today. Benjamin is lame and the vets can’t yet figure out why. I have a dis-eased mind and it goes to the worst case scenarios. I am having a very hard time “keeping a stiff upper lip”. I am having a very hard time being centered. I am having a very hard time being a mom.

I think it is healing to cry. But I can’t seem to stop.  I wonder if I will ever be okay.  I wonder if this worry and stress will be with me all the time.  I wonder when the relief will come.

I can’t seem to find the inner guru who has some life lesson to impart.  I can’t seem to stand tall and coax myself out of this state of grief.  I know I will handle life moment by moment. I know that I am a very responsible person and won’t totally lose it-  I just want God to give me some relief from the worry.  This is my prayer for today:

God,  I have had enough for one day.  I am asking you to bring some relief from worry and stress.  Please give Benjamin a better day.  Let his limp be lessened, Let his pain subside. Please give me the ability to breathe deeper. Please give me a little more spaciousness inside this crowded mind of fear.  Please let Benjamin and I enjoy each other today.  Please let me relax into the immense love and connection I have with him.  Please let me laugh and smile some today.

Thank you God for listening.

Sunday night one side of Benjamin’s face swelled up big time. By Monday morning, he was one hurting pup. He spent the day in the hospital. Turns out his 44th pre-molar tooth- the biggest tooth on a dog- was badly infected and the infection often spreads to the face. He had to be put under to get his tooth removed and a drain put in his face. He is home now, and is just out of it. I have never seen him so fragile. The infection really has knocked him down. All he wants to do is lay around. He is eating a bit and doing tiny walks.

and what has this been doing to me? Well, I have been holding it together for him until yesterday- I just couldn’t stop crying. It’s as if his pain becomes mine but ten fold. I can’t seem to separate myself from him. It kills me to seem him so down. I have a sick child and I want to make it all better for him right now! I want to explain to him that he will feel okay soon. I want him to not be upset with me when I shove 5 pills down his hurting mouth. I want him to bring his monkey to me which would tell me he is feeling like himself. I want him to be happy to see me when I come home. and right now, my job is to find peace with where he is at right now. It’s to accept that he feels bad and that I can do everything I can to make him feel safe and loved, but I can’t take all the pain away.

The innocence of a dog is so precious to me. I want him to never feel fear or pain. I want him to always feel completely safe in this world. But, Life throws us curve balls and I can’t control everything. That is a big big life lesson- we don’t have control. We are often powerless to change something. Can I find some inner peace in knowing that I am doing everything I can and that God will ultimately take care of the rest. My definition of God is that Eternal magnificent Intelligence that is the flow of Life as it is. Benjamin is going to make it through this, can I? Can I be his mom and at the same time- can I not be controlled by the fear of losing him? Can I allow the fear to be here and not believe everything it is saying? Can I trust that Life knows best and I can just surrender to its wisdom?

Benjamin is right next to me right now, resting, at ease with his pain it seems. He doesn’t seem to be questioning this moment. He is not resisting anything. He is always my teacher. My good boy.

I am interested in transformation in this life.  I really want to evolve and grow as a human.  I don’t just want to hold tight to my ideals and beliefs and have to prove I am right again and again yet do you realize that is what most people do? I am guilty.  Our egos are so caught up in  having to be right about everything that  it truly forgets the bigger picture-  where to find peace.

Look at how many ways I had to be right yesterday-  disagreeing with my friend’s choice in a romantic partner, judging my friend for being angry about a run in she had with another dog owner, cutting my friend off because she talks too much, or dreading talking to a friend who is suffering and really down.  In all of these scenarios,  my ego or better called- the “little me”  separated herself from the other person by judging him/her.  The little me thought that she knew better in each circumstance.  The little me  couldn’t just listen without an opinion building up inside her.

The ego is a complex system of beliefs, thoughts and opinions so there is no quick way to disengage it.  It’s been around for millions of years perhaps.  It chooses having to be right over union and cohesion every time.  I am not saying that we have to agree with our friends, peers or even random strangers every time.  Instead,  what I’d like to do more often is pause and reflect and not need to offer an opinion.  Let them have their ideas without my input.  Let them do what they do from their beliefs without my passive aggressive glance.  Let them cry, yell, wail and express   their strongly held beliefs and I just let it all be right here.

This is a spiritual practice.  This is the beginning of dismantling the little me that believes she knows whats best.  Because when you really think about it-  who knows anything?  Life is an unfolding mystery and just when we think we know  what to do or say-  the universe throws us a curve ball that can leave us speechless.  There is no magic how to book on how to react or look at life and its myriad of pains, choices, and rejoices.  There is just each moment- where we can either  join someone in their unique moment or stand on our soapbox and profess to know how that moment should be lived….. I am slowly choosing to climb down from my box.

I just realized that I can make almost anything into a spiritual meditation practice- think about it- how many opportunities do I have to watch the mind and DO NOTHING. Someone cuts me off in traffic- watch this mind rant and rave and don’t give him the finger. A friend doesn’t call when she says she will- watch the hurt and anger rise and decide to not say anything and just accept her limitations. Someone makes an inflammatory comment about my Pit bulls as they pass by us on the street- I notice how defensive my thoughts go and how I so much want to put them in their place but decide to stay quiet and let them have their stories. I listen to my relative go into great detail about the most mundane things and don’t ask her to hurry up or talk over her because I accept and love her quirks and don’t need her to change to suit me. I have a client who is so nervous and frustrated with her dog’s behavior and I don’t try to make it all better and fix it for her with a few sentences, I give her the space she needs to vent and get her feelings out because I too have been where she is.

Doing Nothing is not just about sitting and meditating on a cushion. It is about being triggered by others and deciding to hold your tongue and just observe the rants of your mind. I love that Life gives up so many opportunities to meditate. Every moment is a chance to wake up to that deeper wisdom inside that doesn’t need to have the answer to everything.

I have a new spiritual practice- to do Nothing. and it is very very challenging. This mind wants to stay very busy. it’s like a little scavenger picking up thoughts and feelings to feed itself and keep it alive. It has created itself a busy busy life of people, places and things.

If I ask the mind to stop what it is doing right now- being on this computer- and go sit down and do nothing- it revolts! “No way- there are things to do, things to take care, communications to make!!” it says. So right now- I am going to make it go over there and sit. I will be back in 5 minutes to tell you about my experience…………..

This mind is happy to be back at the computer because those 5 minutes were no easy task! It was busy thinking about lots of silly and mundane things that it HAD to do- pet Lucille, comment on the dog fart, get going to work, scratch my neck, glance around the room, think about who I was walking today, wonder if I got a new email, and on and on…and to just sit there- and allow these thoughts and not DO anything about them- was challenging.

And yet- there was another feeling in those 5 minutes deeper inside- a kind of sigh of relief- that there was nothing I needed to do in those few moments..that this mind could rest if it wanted to…it was given time off..And there was a grasping of some Presence that was watching all this mind chatter. This Presence was huge and tall and magnificent, quietly standing observing without judgement.

I am going to let my mind have a few moments off every day. Give it a cigarette break , shall we say! It might want to chatter throughout that break, that’s okay. I just want it to know it doesn’t have to do anything in that time. It doesn’t have to fix, change, or understand anything….and maybe it will come to realize that in these moments- it can connect to that deeper place of resting anytime it needs to.  My counselor said it very sweetly-  “Allow your mind to have curious compassionate loving pauses throughout the day…”

Doing Nothing is my new hobby. It will take a while to master, yet I think once I get the hang of it- it can nourish this mind when it is stressed or overwrought with thought .   I’ll keep you posted!

These are my beliefs and they are very strong. If you don’t understand them or get them, this is okay…maybe, just let it sink in slowly, see if there is any recognition somewhere deep inside you….

We all have one purpose on this great earth- To Awaken to That Which We Truly Are- and we call That many things- Pure Love, Pure Consciousness, Pure Awareness, God, Buddha, Christ…. It’s that Presence always present behind your thoughts. It’s the mind that is unchanging while the stories come and go. It’s the Space called God that is here right now while a voice says ” I am Kathy”.

I am not Kathy. I am so much more than that. I am God realized. I am Vastless Intelligence that knows everything and nothing all at the same time. I am energy that loves all and nurtures all. It never rejects and it never has fear. It is beautiful beyond imagination. It is the widest opening of one’s heart.

So you are here to realize this Presence. and you can use your everyday life to experience it- in marriage, in children, in dogs, in church, in people cutting you off on the road, in eating, in music, in the earth, in financial hardship, in travel, in loss, and in gain. This Presence holds these things and much much more. It is the vessel that contains the changing chapters in our life. It is the energy that never says No to anything. It is the container that turns away no experience. It is the Vastness of Love that has no ending.

When I realized my life was so much more than the daily stress of being Kathy. When I really really took in the Hugeness of this life- I breathed a deep sigh of relief – because I don’t have to try so hard to be perfect. Life is here to lead me, without my control- how to return Home- to Me, beyond this Mind, beyond this Body..

You don’t need to understand everything I just wrote. Just let it sink in to your heart, because it already knows everything.

When I say “become water” I mean become a flow; don’t remain stagnant. Move, and move like water. Lao Tzu says: The way of the Tao is a watercourse way. It moves like water. What is the movement of water? or of a river? The movement has a few beautiful things about it. One, it always moves towards the depth, it always searches for the lowest ground. It is non-ambitious; it never hankers to be the first, it wants to be the last. Remember, Jesus says: Those who are the last here will be the first in my kingdom of God. He is talking about the watercourse way of Tao–not mentioning it, but talking about it. Be the last, be non-ambitious. Ambition means going uphill. Water goes down, it searches for the lowest ground, it wants to be a nonentity. It does not want to declare itself unique, exceptional, extraordinary. It has no ego idea.

Osho Take it Easy, Volume 1 Chapter 14

Commentary:
The figure in this card is completely relaxed and at ease in the water, letting it take him where it will. He has mastered the art of being passive and receptive without being dull or sleepy. He is just available to the currents of life, with never a thought of saying “I don’t like that,” or “I prefer to go the other way.” Every moment in life we have a choice whether to enter life’s waters and float, or to try to swim upstream. When this card appears in a reading it is an indication that you are able to float now, trusting that life will support you in your relaxation and take you exactly where it wants you to go. Allow this feeling of trust and relaxation to grow more and more; everything is happening exactly as it should.