I am a professional dog trainer and dog walker. I have a home to maintain. I have bills to pay. and I feel like falling apart today. Benjamin is lame and the vets can’t yet figure out why. I have a dis-eased mind and it goes to the worst case scenarios. I am having a very hard time “keeping a stiff upper lip”. I am having a very hard time being centered. I am having a very hard time being a mom.

I think it is healing to cry. But I can’t seem to stop.  I wonder if I will ever be okay.  I wonder if this worry and stress will be with me all the time.  I wonder when the relief will come.

I can’t seem to find the inner guru who has some life lesson to impart.  I can’t seem to stand tall and coax myself out of this state of grief.  I know I will handle life moment by moment. I know that I am a very responsible person and won’t totally lose it-  I just want God to give me some relief from the worry.  This is my prayer for today:

God,  I have had enough for one day.  I am asking you to bring some relief from worry and stress.  Please give Benjamin a better day.  Let his limp be lessened, Let his pain subside. Please give me the ability to breathe deeper. Please give me a little more spaciousness inside this crowded mind of fear.  Please let Benjamin and I enjoy each other today.  Please let me relax into the immense love and connection I have with him.  Please let me laugh and smile some today.

Thank you God for listening.

Sunday night one side of Benjamin’s face swelled up big time. By Monday morning, he was one hurting pup. He spent the day in the hospital. Turns out his 44th pre-molar tooth- the biggest tooth on a dog- was badly infected and the infection often spreads to the face. He had to be put under to get his tooth removed and a drain put in his face. He is home now, and is just out of it. I have never seen him so fragile. The infection really has knocked him down. All he wants to do is lay around. He is eating a bit and doing tiny walks.

and what has this been doing to me? Well, I have been holding it together for him until yesterday- I just couldn’t stop crying. It’s as if his pain becomes mine but ten fold. I can’t seem to separate myself from him. It kills me to seem him so down. I have a sick child and I want to make it all better for him right now! I want to explain to him that he will feel okay soon. I want him to not be upset with me when I shove 5 pills down his hurting mouth. I want him to bring his monkey to me which would tell me he is feeling like himself. I want him to be happy to see me when I come home. and right now, my job is to find peace with where he is at right now. It’s to accept that he feels bad and that I can do everything I can to make him feel safe and loved, but I can’t take all the pain away.

The innocence of a dog is so precious to me. I want him to never feel fear or pain. I want him to always feel completely safe in this world. But, Life throws us curve balls and I can’t control everything. That is a big big life lesson- we don’t have control. We are often powerless to change something. Can I find some inner peace in knowing that I am doing everything I can and that God will ultimately take care of the rest. My definition of God is that Eternal magnificent Intelligence that is the flow of Life as it is. Benjamin is going to make it through this, can I? Can I be his mom and at the same time- can I not be controlled by the fear of losing him? Can I allow the fear to be here and not believe everything it is saying? Can I trust that Life knows best and I can just surrender to its wisdom?

Benjamin is right next to me right now, resting, at ease with his pain it seems. He doesn’t seem to be questioning this moment. He is not resisting anything. He is always my teacher. My good boy.

I am interested in transformation in this life.  I really want to evolve and grow as a human.  I don’t just want to hold tight to my ideals and beliefs and have to prove I am right again and again yet do you realize that is what most people do? I am guilty.  Our egos are so caught up in  having to be right about everything that  it truly forgets the bigger picture-  where to find peace.

Look at how many ways I had to be right yesterday-  disagreeing with my friend’s choice in a romantic partner, judging my friend for being angry about a run in she had with another dog owner, cutting my friend off because she talks too much, or dreading talking to a friend who is suffering and really down.  In all of these scenarios,  my ego or better called- the “little me”  separated herself from the other person by judging him/her.  The little me thought that she knew better in each circumstance.  The little me  couldn’t just listen without an opinion building up inside her.

The ego is a complex system of beliefs, thoughts and opinions so there is no quick way to disengage it.  It’s been around for millions of years perhaps.  It chooses having to be right over union and cohesion every time.  I am not saying that we have to agree with our friends, peers or even random strangers every time.  Instead,  what I’d like to do more often is pause and reflect and not need to offer an opinion.  Let them have their ideas without my input.  Let them do what they do from their beliefs without my passive aggressive glance.  Let them cry, yell, wail and express   their strongly held beliefs and I just let it all be right here.

This is a spiritual practice.  This is the beginning of dismantling the little me that believes she knows whats best.  Because when you really think about it-  who knows anything?  Life is an unfolding mystery and just when we think we know  what to do or say-  the universe throws us a curve ball that can leave us speechless.  There is no magic how to book on how to react or look at life and its myriad of pains, choices, and rejoices.  There is just each moment- where we can either  join someone in their unique moment or stand on our soapbox and profess to know how that moment should be lived….. I am slowly choosing to climb down from my box.