had a really big insight recently- that my 3 dogs all represent parts of the “little girl” inside me. Yes- we all have one- the inner child, some call it. I am healing the past through them. Anything I lacked as a child, I make sure they have it, in full and then some.

Benjamin’s biggest need is- his need to be Acknowledged. He will look up at me, and wait for me to say ” Good job” or “That’s my boy”. he needs to know he is seen and heard. he needs to know I am paying attention, that I am fully present with him.

Lucille’s biggest need is- her need to be Understood. She is my complex girl- insecure, tempermental, and fiercely loving. All of these aspects shine in different ways, and she really needs me to “get her”. To know her boundaries, to be respected for who she is and to give her boundaries. This is what makes her feel secure and loved.

Madeline needs to be allowed to express herself. She needs to have freedom to be who she is. She loves to chase squirrels, really- this is her passion in life. I can’t often let her do it, but if I never let her do it- she would not be fully Madeline. So sometimes she gets to go for it, and in this freedom- she is her fully realized Self. This is her greatest need, to be herself.

All of their needs were mine, as a little girl. and because no one has a perfect childhood- my needs were not always met. I can’t heal the past. But there is something brilliant about projecting stuff onto my dogs- because when I meet their needs- I get to experience parenting my little girl. I am the loving, all present and all accepting Mom and Dad. I get to experience their contentment as my own.

He urges me. “All there is is Now. Come sit with me on the rug, come love me, come talk to me. Leave yesterday alone, stop worrying about tomorrow…just come here and sit with me. There is all the love you need right here, right now.”

He is my guru, my Benjamin. He holds the secret to Life. He bestows these lessons with such effortlessness, because, he lives it. He is it.

When I stopped “doing” and just went and layed beside him this evening, all was quiet in my mind. The chatter ceased because Love had taken over. When Love is in action, happening- then the voice inside quiets. Benjamin’s gentle insistence to come sit with him is his way of stopping the chatter for me.

Thank you sweet boy. Thank you.

Basically, my life is about work and Benjamin. Benjamin stopped going to work with me 2 months ago. He had had enough. His arthritis is bad in his hips and elbows, and he had slowed down tremendously. We couldn’t really do hills anymore. He was always the dog bringing up the rear. and I finally go it! “Mom, I want to rest more, please”, he told me..

I did not take the adjustment with ease. I cried and cried. My boy is in pain some days, and this aches my heart like nothing else. I realized we were into a new chapter of our lives together. For 8 years, Benjamin came with me to work- on all the pack walks, He was my co-pilot every day in the truck. He was the Alpha, keeping the packs in line. and now, he was stepping down.

The love I have for this dog is so immense, there are not any words that can contain or explain it. I think in the coming blogs, I will certainly reflect on it though, I want to find a language for it- because it is so beautiful.

So now, Benjamin has his own walks- 1/2 hour each a.m and p.m, and 20 minutes at night. ( the girls come along on all these too.) He is sooo much relaxed. He enjoys his walks, and then he is ready to come home and sleep.

So what did he teach me? TO BEND WITH LIFE. To not struggle against it. To listen to life. I was on such a trip – the Benjamin had to be with me at work, I couldn’t acknowledge the change, I did not want to accept it. I was in opposition to life. And when I finally moved with it- listening to Benjamin- and stopped taking him with me- it was like the whole world sighed and released. He sighed and released and said “Thank you mom, for hearing me.”

I have a dog that wants squirrels and deers.  She usually pardons cats and cows, Thank God.  but she has it in for deers and squirrels.  she is 8 1/2 yrs.old and showing no signs of slowing down.  She drives me crazy sometimes!.  I have the wonderful freedom of having my other dogs off leash in the neighbhorhood, but  NOT my Miss Madeline. Oh No, she would be up and down these streets looking for that elusive rodent.  What is it in her that I don’t accept?  Because- I truly believe that what we don’t accept in another is something that we don’t accept in ourselves.  It is – her obsessiveness, her inability to let it go……and I have the same exact issue.  This mind catches on a topic, and it can spiral and twist and run rampant with endless chatter. It will not let go of a thought, a fear, an idea.  and it drives me crazy.  Her obsessiveness is a mirror to my own OCD  ( Obsessive Compulsive Disorder).  No, I have never been diagnosed.  but how many times do I have to check the closet to make sure no one got in my home and is hiding!

My dogs reflect my angst back to me.  yet there is one big difference-  with Madeline- she FINDS FREEDOM in her Obsession. She loves the chase.  she goes with it. she allows it, she explores it.  and I- I judge it, push it down, hide it, and pretend it does not exist.

Another lesson from the dog.

every morning for at least the last 3 years, Benjamin and Lucille awaken from their slumber by  looking at each other first,  then breaking out into one big howl.  I love watching them.  I look closely at their faces and try to guess what they are feeling when they do it.  Their lips are perfectly puckered and they are glancing at each other.  They do it with total abandon. It is definetly a connecting song. It brings them together, it is uniting the pack.  They seem completely satiated once it is done. I love that it has been part of my morning ritual.  It also brings me into the pack.  It makes me feel like this family can survive anything, that we are all united in love and committment to each other.  Even Miss Madeline has started stirring with it,  she lets out these little moans as if to catch up to the big guys.  Her place is well accepted at the bottom here, and her whimperings seem to be saying  “I am included too, wait for me!”  I love watching the miracle of their communication.

I get to be with dogs all day, and I get to be with my mind all day! so I think alot. Alot of it is chatter and every so often- an interesting insight will come about, and I’d like to start sharing them with you.
This blog site is a work in progress. Its going to look boring for a while until I get the hang of it, so bear with me.
I hope you all enjoy my rants.