I have been reflecting on our last day together. Whatever words I find here to share will be wholly inadequate. I have been looking for God most of my life. I have been praying, screaming at, and begging for God to appear to me. I don’t mean the God image of an old bearded man who rules over the universe. I let go of that image eons ago. I mean God – Source Energy that is All Love .
Lucille brought me to God our last day together. I woke up and layed with her. I had no idea I would decide to put her down that day. I was very concerned about her painful front leg limp yet I was not thinking of letting her go. We began our morning walk- She was in her wheel chair. She was struggling so much. I was crying as we attempted to move down my street. My other dogs patiently walked beside us. After less than a hundred yards, the clearest voice inside me said to put her gently into the wagon.
The rest of our day was mostly held in the deepest silence. I have a busy mind, often with anxious stressful thoughts and this day- they disappeared. I had no doubts, I had no fears, I had no scary images to block out. I was in communion with my beloved Lucille through silence and love.
Why did this massive shift in my regular way of being happen? How could it possibly happen on the day I would be saying goodbye to her? Why was I not rattled and stressed ? That would the normal way I would handle such a devastating reality. I now see Lucille’s divine plan and gift to me as clear as day. Her soul was preparing to leave her body and I believe she wanted to share something so profound and sacred to me before she left my side. She wanted to give me a glimpse into God.
That day, I was bathed in the deepest Peace. I had hours to be with her , knowing it was our last hours together- there was not a moment of fear or stress. Instead, there was the deepest of connection and understanding with her. When I laid next to her in our living room- I felt an indescribable Wholeness. I believe Lucille’s soul opened the portal into Source/God in these last hours together. She gave me the gift of direct experience into the Divine. It’s almost like I died for a moment, crossed over to feel God’s unwavering Love and then came back to my mind and body.
It’s been one month since her passing, and I am wrapped in grief. I am allowing all of it. I am not running or shutting down from the immensity of these feelings. It just is.
I do not need to be any other way than the way I am right now. and amidst all this vulnerability and fragility- I am able to recall our last day quite clearly. The day when our Souls celebrated our infinite unending Love. I am blessed beyond words that my Lucille revealed the Light of God in me.
I think Lucille also wants me to understand that this unwavering Silence and Love can be reached at any time- that I can reconnect with her , with God, with All That Is- by simply stopping fully and asking with an open heart- to see with awakened eyes. I plan on connecting with my beloveds often now. To have touched the beauty of that space makes me yearn for it. It’s here for me, for all of us- simply sit and rest in your own open heart.