Sunday night one side of Benjamin’s face swelled up big time. By Monday morning, he was one hurting pup. He spent the day in the hospital. Turns out his 44th pre-molar tooth- the biggest tooth on a dog- was badly infected and the infection often spreads to the face. He had to be put under to get his tooth removed and a drain put in his face. He is home now, and is just out of it. I have never seen him so fragile. The infection really has knocked him down. All he wants to do is lay around. He is eating a bit and doing tiny walks.
and what has this been doing to me? Well, I have been holding it together for him until yesterday- I just couldn’t stop crying. It’s as if his pain becomes mine but ten fold. I can’t seem to separate myself from him. It kills me to seem him so down. I have a sick child and I want to make it all better for him right now! I want to explain to him that he will feel okay soon. I want him to not be upset with me when I shove 5 pills down his hurting mouth. I want him to bring his monkey to me which would tell me he is feeling like himself. I want him to be happy to see me when I come home. and right now, my job is to find peace with where he is at right now. It’s to accept that he feels bad and that I can do everything I can to make him feel safe and loved, but I can’t take all the pain away.
The innocence of a dog is so precious to me. I want him to never feel fear or pain. I want him to always feel completely safe in this world. But, Life throws us curve balls and I can’t control everything. That is a big big life lesson- we don’t have control. We are often powerless to change something. Can I find some inner peace in knowing that I am doing everything I can and that God will ultimately take care of the rest. My definition of God is that Eternal magnificent Intelligence that is the flow of Life as it is. Benjamin is going to make it through this, can I? Can I be his mom and at the same time- can I not be controlled by the fear of losing him? Can I allow the fear to be here and not believe everything it is saying? Can I trust that Life knows best and I can just surrender to its wisdom?
Benjamin is right next to me right now, resting, at ease with his pain it seems. He doesn’t seem to be questioning this moment. He is not resisting anything. He is always my teacher. My good boy.