Hurricane Bernadette


This was not supposed to happen. This was the last thing that was on my mind. I had processed for months and months – I don’t want another dog. I want a different life. I want to be more unencumbered. I want more freedom, less stress, less responsibility. The last year or more with, my ray of light, Abbey was so trying. Just like my last year with Madeline. Just like my last year with Lucille. Just like my last year with Benjamin. Just like my last year with Coda. Chronic illnesses and diseases that took all of my heart; all my time; all my money. I gave it my all, and I don’t know how I survived every one of those diseases. How I survived every one of those deaths. They take so much from me. The last thing I wanted was another dog.

I was so defiantly against getting another dog. I seriously don’t know why all this happened. Why the hell did Bernadette enter my life like a tsunami? Why ???

The last year with my Abbey took all of my life force fighting a chronic disease; It’s not for the faint of heart. Fighting a chronic illness for a creature you love with your entire being can break you. It plummeted me into depresssion and panic attacks . My whole life revolved around her care. I had to cut back on work because of the hours of medical management at home. I am not complaining in the least. I would not have it any other way ever. IV fluids, sub q fluids, 23 medications and supplements daily, extended hospital stays, waking up multiple times a night to let her out and check on her.  Every single moment I would do over 1000 times for my little ray of light.

But eventually, she had had enough. She was so tired of her old, sick body. She was ready to fly free, to fly Home to re-join the Kear pack. I do not doubt that Madeline, her very best friend  and older sister,  was the first to welcome her Home.

It’s been only a little over two months since she passed and then the luck dragon, who I named Bernadette, came flying into my life.  in a clumsy submissive insecure sweet, sweet way. She’s so earnest to love and to be loved  that it breaks my heart. I get the sense she was ignored a lot in her previous life. She craves to be close to me.
It’s a massive shift in my life plan to adopt this girl. I had no desire to add another dog. I have significant changes in my future.   My hope for the future includes , a move to a quieter area and  a new creative business with my BFF Stephanie .  This means a massive restructuring in heart, home and work.   All of this, I believe, required me to be less burdened with responsibility.

But life had other plans.

And then there’s Patrick. My quirky, weird, sensitive, insecure Patrick. He’s freaked out by Bernadette. He’s stressed out. He’s unsure. He’s worried.  It breaks my heart. I want to protect him and let him know he’s my number one.  He will come with me every day and continue to be my right-hand man. I only ask that he will, in time, accept her as a big clumsy younger sister who wants 2  things – to be accepted by him and to be loved by me.

My family will always be – Abbey, my precious sunshine girl ,was my little daughter in life and death.   As is my Coda, my Lucille, my Madeline, and my stoic proud son, Benjamin.

I hope they were the ones that brought this angel, Bernie Rose,  into my life. All I want is their blessing.

With their blessing, We carry on.