I talked today to a man named Dearborn Clark- that my therapist recommended. He is able to often connect with Highest Levels of Consciousness.  I talked to him yesterday and told him about my grief over Benjamin.  He was kind, but a bit triggering because he said it is rare, but not impossible for a higher being to be in the form of an animal. In general- the evolving goes from animal to human. I  told him I thought Benjamin was a master, old soul, much more than a dog.
So today-  he helped me go to a meditative state in my heart. away from my mind . and then asked me to go to a room that would be comfortable. in a chair or bed. I choose Benjamin’s bed.  and then MY WHOLE INSIDES- ESPECIALLY MY HEART HEATED UP REALLY INTENSELY- and Benjamin came into the room- looking like him, but younger and stronger and  a little different in the face.
Well- we talked alot. and this is what was said:
1- Benjamin is a fully Awake  Being. .  He is a Master, very very old. and he decided to come in the form of a dog because it would help me evolve the deepest- at this phase in my life.  Dearborn felt it immediately and was quite surprised that my intuition was right.
2- He is not going to come back to physical for some time. He feels like he can do more work in this bodyless state of High Consciousness.
3-  He left his body now because he had work to do with others. to help them evolve.
4- He also left because he felt that I was becoming too attached to his physical  form and he wanted me to know that I could experience fully the Vastness of Source Love  without his body here.
5-  He is Home. Home Home.  and supremely at peace and very ready for more work  to help others.
6-  I can be with him anytime I drop into the heart and away from the mind.
7-  He now wants me to become more open to experiencing this Unconditional Love with Myself and with Others.  This is my most important work now. to evolve.
Thank you for listening.  There are those of you that may doubt, not understand, or be a pessimist.  It’s okay. I am one of those too!  No one should try to convince anyone of anything , it must be directly experienced.  and for 10 years, I experienced the kind of Love that has no words, no definitions, no boundaries.  Deep Abiding Presence that was never born and shall never die. I got to experience this presence in the form of Benjamin.  and today, my communication with him, through Dearborn Clark was like a huge reaffirming of what I already knew inside.  The heat of my heart that I felt when Benjamin first entered “the room” where I meditated was stronger than any wind or rain that  blew today.  It almost rocked me off the couch.  This is the direct experience that has left me deeply at peace today.

The mind will most likely wake up tomorrow with more pain, suffering, questioning, loss. and this is okay, this is natural. This is what the mind does.

I can  then simply sit and get back to the place of my Open Heart- and there is my soul sitting with Benjamin soul- in Love and never separate.

I have a therapist of sorts.  I am not sure what to label him. but I can say one thing- he is TAPPED IN.  I go in and out of seeing him for sessions- but now I want to see him often- very often…because- he is tapped in to “where” Benjamin is.  My session was simply out of this world.  He said he felt Benjamin’s presence as I was driving up. He was deeply moved. and he channeled Benjamin to me.  Benjamin spoke to me.    There really are no words to explain the depth of what happened.  Benjamin is with Source – deeply at peace and deeply loved and deeply free.  he wants me to know we are forever connected and will meet again. That my mind is the only thing that is separating us.  he is closer than close.

He wants me to know relax, trust, be open, go slow- in these moments- I may touch in to “where” he is at.  He is EVERYWHERE.   He is vaster than vast. He is so loved and so deeply close to me- that it is even richer than our love in the physical.

Our meeting in the physical is just a tiny blip amidst the Hugeness of Source and Infinity.  He asks me to trust in our soul connection.  It is forever- and will never die or be separated. My small mind is just grasping for the physical and Benjamin is assuring me that there our connection is so so so much greater than this.
Tobin was so moved to be communicating with Benjamin.  I couldn’t believe I got to hear from Benjamin.  I am at peace in this moment.  so in love and at peace.  I know the mind will taunt me again, but now that I have talked to Benjamin directly- I believe I can access this memory and Tobin and I will continue to record it, so that I can listen and remember the knowledge that is now alive in Benjamin and can be alive in me- if I trust and pause.

Thank you Tobin for the gift of direct communication with my boy.

Everything feels so different. Everything has changed.  I lived to love you . I even lived to serve you.  Most people will cringe at this-  not understanding what this means.  After all, he was a dog and I was his master, right?  Well Yes, and No.  I became his master in order to show him how to trust the world again because it had been so cruel to him.  But once this shift occurred and all was  stable and serene in his mind-  He became my Beloved and I was here to serve him.

What does this mean?  Imagine, an angel coming to earth to bestow the biggest blessings on you-  where your heart is so filled with love and peace that you feel indestructible.  When I was next to Benjamin- every fibre in my being glowed with an immense light and love.  I most vibrantly alive when caring for him. Time stood still when I laid with him. Each pour in my body was filled with limitless love when I fed him, watered him, cleaned him, massaged him, sang to him, played with him.

You see, I was serving the Beloved.  Just as someone sat with Buddha and perhaps soaked his feet or wiped his brow.  Each small act of care made me touch God.   God, Source, Limitless Love- call it what you want.  Benjamin brought me to this place of Infinite Unchanging Love, never born and never to die.

How can I even explain it to you here?  Words are so limiting.  Benjamin, my Beloved. My teacher. My Son. Thank you for showing me God.

In the days, weeks and months to follow, I want to give life again to the Benjamin story, from beginning to end.  I am just beginning to understand the magnitude of this Precious Creature’s gift to my life and to the world around me.  This much I can say with all assurance- he was a Master, an Old Soul brought here to transform me and in doing this- he inspired massive healing to many many dogs in great need.

But for now, I am riding the tsunami of grief.  I did not know that the well could be so deep that I have trouble getting up and out.  Moment by moment, I fall apart. I lose all my footing. I struggle to see a future.  But then his deep gruff voice tells me to get up and look around- that my pack of girls need me so!  That my friends are here for me fully, that my pack of walking and training dogs need me.  So I stand up and pray that tomorrow will be less dark.

The unimaginable pain of grief has left me completely surrendered. Open arms begging for mercy.  I know Benjamin is worried about me.  I know he always wanted to protect me as I protected him.  He is hoping that I will go on, perhaps even prodding me as I open my front door.  Windy and Rainy and stormy these days are- and my heart aches for his touch, smell, voice,.

Bear with me, I will not be editing these days to come. Nothing to hold back.  Nothing to censor.  and in the days much farther along, when I can pause and reflect on The totality of who he was-  I hope you travel with me on the journey of The Benjamin Story.

To all my friends who have stood so near me this past week- I love you. 

Benjamin passed 3/11/2011  surrounded by his mother, in total love and devotion.  His story continues to unfold and in the following weeks will be told on these pages.

I have shifted gears to Facebook these last several months.  I have a great Training Site under the Group Cause and Effect Dog Training. I’d love to stay connected to all former and present training clients that way, and anyone is invited who wants to have support with guiding their dog.

I love what I do and believe whole heartedly that you can guide your dog out of anxiety, fear, stress and insecurity. You are the key here.  He is waiting for your clear and calm direction.  He knows you have it in you.  The deepest transformation of your dog comes from you seeking the healing and answers inside yourself. I am just here to help support and navigate along the way.  I am here because I understand where you are.  I know your worries, your fear, and your self judgements. I have had them all.  I can help you see through your tangled web of stressful thoughts so that you can learn how to guide your precious dog, and through this process, you may learn how to love and guide your own precious self.

Madeline has had her 2nd ear surgery in 1 month.  She had a huge hematoma that caused her entire ear flap to swell with blood twice.  The first surgery failed and now she has some strange film piece on her ear to secure it as well as an open wound to let the fluid drain out.  Poor girl has been so bothered by all the fussing I have been doing with her.

Then after chasing a deer in the hills a couple weeks ago- she came up lame,  and has been favoring her back leg off and on since then.  I have been through this before with Benjamin and Lucille- I am quite positive it is a partial ACL tear!  I have to take her in for a definitive diagnosis next week- but all the signs are there.

2 years ago, I would have been making plans for an expensive surgery for her.  But since Benjamin’s tear- I learned all about CM- Conservative Management-  a protocol that people swear by-  restricting your dogs exercise and movement severely for 8 weeks- allowing the scar tissue to form around the joint- to stabilize the knee without the ligament.  Most Veternary surgeons are not on board with this- but of course not- they only promote surgery!  but alternative vets are coming around to it.  There is a major support group on line of dog owners that are going through the process with their pups– and it was my saving grace to check in with these people every day while I was going through it with Benjamin.

I have become so much tougher in my heart when things go wrong with my pups’  health.  I used to fall apart, and now I come to terms with it much quicker.  Fighting the reality of it does no good.  I am their protector- I just need to do what needs to be done to heal their bodies.

There is a part of these times that I am still having a hard time with-  the aging of my dogs.  I feel fear off and on when I glance at them- and notice their slower walk .  I feel fear of loss, fear of change, fear of forever.  They are precious to me.  They are a part of me.  They identify me in many ways.  I am Kathy with Madeline, Lucille and Benjamin.  I have thought about talking to a counselor about my fears of losing them. These feelings shadow my days.  It really is a deep spiritual lesson to come to terms with the inevitability of change and loss.  At the same time-  it brings to light how much I can treasure each wonderful moment when I am laying with my dogs and feel the deep connection of love and affection we share together.  This moment is all there is.  In that moment, the future does not exist.

Madeline has had her 2nd ear surgery in one month to fix a giant hematoma that caused her whole ear flap to swell with blood.  It’s actually a complex problem that has no easy fix.

I moved into my new Berkeley apartment and have all kinds of workers over- the Dish guy, the handyman, the landlord- and every single time they come to the door- the girls stay passed out in their beds and old man Benjamin gets up and fiercely barks and comes to the door.  His body is creeky and slow, but his intention is strong-  he still has his purpose – protect the pack at all costs.  He’ll do it till the day he dies I have no doubt.  he will alert me and keep me safe.  It’s a Rottweiler thing- bred for herding and guarding the flock.  I am the Shepherd and he is the guard.

We’ve been adjusting to the move quite easily.  I downsized-  went from buying my first home 1 1/2 yrs. ago in Richmond and realizing the American dream wasn’t for me.  Long story- that’s another blog.  I feel like I am back in my 20’s again- with a cute little funky apartment crammed with dog beds and art.

For the first few days, the dogs followed me everywhere and watched my every move.  Moves must be jarring to them on some level.  They just want to make sure they are going wherever I am.  Have no doubt pups, I am never leaving your side.

Just heard another grumble and small roar because the cable guy is making his way up the walkway.  Benjamin man is called to duty once again and I am honored to have him as my protector.

My boy, Benjamin is healing well from his partial ACL tear.  I cut back on his exercise,  carried him up all stairs with a sling, help him in and out of the car, and took lots of breaks with him- and the tear is healing without surgery!  Vets will tell you this only works in smaller dogs, but there is a large internet support group that believes otherwise.  I got a lot of support from them.  When this first happened, I was beside myself.  My heart was wracked with worry and anxiety about how this could all turn out okay.  Benjamin ws not weight bearing on that back leg and I live in the hills!

But we did it, we are a great team.  He adjusted to the new routine beautifully.  That’s the sweetness of a dog-  all they need is love and connection- and they can adjust to change just fine.  It’s us humans that go kicking and screaming when something is different.

Benjamin still has a body wracked with arthritis, and there are days when I have a good cry on our walks- because I imagine he must be in pain.  But my boy just lives in his body with such dignity-  He stands tall, walks proud..and whenever he needs to stop and take a break- he does.  he listens to his body and never fights against reality.  I am humbled by watching him.  He might be in pain, but he loves to breathe the bay air fully, loves to greet each and every dog he passes, and loves to come over and nudge me for kisses.  He loves life and does not let pain dictate his days.

Benjamin goes twice weekly to Hydrotherapy.  This is a big tub filled with warm water  with an underwater treadmill.  It builds endurance, provides relief for his joints, and builds muscle mass.  He loves it!  He is like a little soldier marching along, with a job to do.  Here is a picture.