Human relationships are fraught with disappointment. From the time we are tiny babies to adulthood- people fail us.  No one I know had Buddha parents.  Some of us had great dysfunction.  What does this do to us?  Make us feel very unsafe in the world.  Our ground is not solid.  Our foundation is weak.  Either we become fighters, fleerers, or shut downers.  We experience the innate Trust that was in us when we were in the womb.  The trust that felt like Home, Goodness, Light.

I came into this world with imperfection  ( yes, they did their best, I know).  The instability instilled fear and worry in my little girl heart.  I grew up, but the little girl stayed the same.  She ran my world sometimes and it was run on worry, loss and disappointment.  I looked like a grown adult, making adult decisions like buying my first home…but often, inside-  the little girl crumbled when someone spoke to her meanly.  Or sometimes she would throw a tantrum- and spit it right back in the ignorant ass’s face.  Therapy helps. Introspection helps.  Humility helps. Self Love is Key.  Self forgiveness is massive.  and then came Benjamin, and he shifted everything.

He opened up my wounded heart.  He showed me through infinite devotion that true Love and Acceptance was real and possible.  Yes, he was “just a dog”- but Love knows no identity. It did not matter who or what came to show me that this Love was possible, the simple fact that my heart awakened was a miracle.  The messenger was a dog named Benjamin. The teaching was Unconditional Love.  Call it God if that makes more sense. I touched God, I came to Know God. I came to know and experience my own Divinity through a rescued Rottweiler.

This wounded heart experienced a deep profound healing because I was allowed to be Me. and not only allowed- but celebrated.  My boy celebrated Me- with his devotion, joyful connection and constant companionship.  It was like through me- he got to experience his own perfect being.  Our love healed each other.  His wounded soul before he came to me must have been fraught with fear and terror at the hands of a deeply disturbed person. He must have felt great distrust and fear with his world, just like me.  Then we met and the Power of Love  broke through the fear- and Divine Trust took hold.

Now he is gone, in body…But from his place with God, he now asks me to continue my path of opening to the inherent Goodness that is my Heart.

 

He asks me to never close again.  People will continue to disappoint and throw me off balance..but Benjamin says  ” Stand Strong and know that Love is Unchanging and Your Divine Nature is Here and Now, ready to carry you through any storm.”

There is no replacing my boy. There will be no  new dog to fill his space.  There is no new love affair  to fill  this  void. There is no new hobby, no new adventure, no new endeavor to make this loss feel less huge.  There is just enduring.  There is just time. There is just tolerance of pain. Life goes on.  I smile more. I laugh at my girls every day. The pack walks bring me peace.  But this void remains and I think it will always remain.  There is nothing that will ever fill  his space in my soul.  That will happen when we are reunited again.  When I get to Re-member that we were never separate after all.

I still can’t look at his pictures for more than a moment or two.  I just break down.  I miss my boy so so much.  I got to experience a kind of love that many will never know.  I got to directly know the Purity of Unconditional Love.  His essence  in my life healed me.  It convinced me that True Love exists and is real and certain and will NOT change.

I got to experience the joy of being a Mother to my boy.  I got to experience the  profound healing of his wounded being- through my love,devotion and commitment to never give up. In return- he taught me about Divine Love- Love that knows no boundaries, no beginning, no end, no judgment.

My heart aches tonight. A mother missing her son.  Good night my sweetness.  I love you. 

Wow, I really never knew how much pain the heart could handle until now.  It fills my days sometimes. I am the walking wounded.  Life moves at its frenetic pace around me, but something is changing inside – I am softening, I am letting go, I am truly vulnerable.  And I think this is exactly what my boy wants for me. I may appear as disheveled,  scattered, and unsure- and it is also-  contemplative, quieter, and questioning.

My boy saw that I have been driven to seek solace, trust and acceptance in others, while leaving my own self standing naked alone.  He saw that I only felt safe and secure truly in his presence, while my world view was often charged with distrust and fear.  It wasn’t always this way, mind you- we always start out perfectly innocent and full of open hearted yearning- then unconscious behavior, patterns and people can knock us to the ground.  We get up every time, but with less openness and less trust- we start to look at the world as scary, unsafe, unpredictable.  We also start to doubt our own goodness.  That poisonous thinking can take over as we grow into adulthood.

My boy saw that I was ready to leap forward- back into the presence of a trusting little girl who intuitively knows that the Universe is Benevolent.  This very much includes the universe of myself.  His leaving has brought me to my knees, questioning all that I have believed..and it is this questioning that brings me closer to myself and to others. I have now experienced unconditional love and support from so many. I have now experienced the caring compassion of strangers as they see me wipe away tears. I have now witnessed the coldness crack from someone that seemed so closed down- when they talk to me and sense my current fragility.  It is through this grief, that the Light of goodness is pouring in to heal my precious heart. My boy knew exactly what would come in the weeks following his death- an awakening back to the Innocence of my little girl with her wide eyed hope that Love is Unchanging.

I knew about Abbey girl for years.  She was at a hoarder’s house- a kind woman that developed the insatiable need to rescue quantity of cats and dogs but not be able to give quality of life to any of them. Abbey’s life always made me sad. I did my best to walk her and her best friend , Sonny once a week or more when I lived nearby. This went on for a year or more. She and Sonny would come running up the fence when they saw my truck, and as soon as I got close- she would do a adorable little dance, with a huge smile on her face, and then she would go find her favorite kong and bring it to me. They were both so hungry for attention and adventure.  On their walks, they just pulled and pulled to go anywhere and everywhere.  I knew they were so bored in the confines of their lonely cold room in the house where they were isolated because of their cat aggression.  I knew they both deserved so much more.

Then I moved further away and worried so much about these 2.  Now no one would be walking them and they would be left to wallow in loneliness and boredom in that stark back yard.  I kept tabs on that home with all those sad animals.  Good intentions gone bad-  when you save 40 animals but they are all living in squalor- can it really be called Rescuing?  Well, after 5 years-  the woman was in the process of getting evicted and all the animals were going to get sent to sanctuaries if they did not get homes.  I have come to find out that most sanctuaries are under funded and over populated- and that the dogs and cats just live their lives out in big and small cages.  My heart broke- so these  3 dogs  ( Abbey,Sonny and Mars)  from this Richmond home , who had already lived in cages in one aspect or another  ( shelter, vet offices, crates, back yard)  were now going to be sent to a forever cage. Never to know the warmth of a loving home and owner. No way! I had to do something.  Enough was enough!

To make a long story short-  After several months, I was able to find Mars an amazing home at a 50 acre winery. Sonny went to my good friend, Beth who is a trainer and Abbey girl came to me and my good friend,Sarah who co fostered her with me.  She went back and forth between both of us for 3 months- enjoying pack walks, sleepy couch days with Maddox  ( Sarah’s deaf Bulldog) and  inch by inch- she wormed herself deep into my heart.

Abbey is a deaf Bull Terrier Mix.  and Abbey is magical.  She is my tinkerbell- a whimsical being with a Joy in her heart that I have never  quite seen in another dog.  She is just so so happy with her new life.  How do I see this?  The way she moves, the way she smiles when she sees me, the way she runs madly to me when she has lost sight of me for a moment, the way she moans when she is situating herself so close to me when we cuddle, the way she sleeps with such contentedness and security in her stout body, the way she is so settled here, the way it  feels as if she has been here all along, the way she fits right in with the pack from day one with no strife.  This girl is Home Forever.

And then I start to piece together the last several months before my boy passed on March 11, 2011 and I see things. I see the path he was forging- with me, with Abbey and with his soon passing.  he wanted me to rescue Abbey because she was a backyard dog just like he was- and she was not living her full potential as a being who deserves committment, love and nurturing.  She was waiting for me to bring her home and she was very patient because Benjamin told her it would happen at just the right time for all of us.  He said to her  ” Mom is going to need a big spark of joy and sunshine in her life because I am moving onto my next journey. I want you to come live with us  because I want there to be a buffer in place for Mom when I go.  I want you to keep her heart open, I want you to shed light on the darkness that will envelop her in the days after my passing. I want you to give her a reason to smile and feel hopeful.  Abbey agreed with much certainty and happiness.  She not only was going to have a family, she had a very important job.

When she came home to live with me ( I was still co fostering her), subtle things began to shift at home. Benjamin stayed out in the living room much more at night. When for 10 years, every night when I would turn all the lights off-  15 minutes later he would join me in the bedroom and sleep in his bed beside me. Every single night.  Except when Abbey came home- things shifted. it wasn’t because he was jealous. it was because he was allowing her to begin her job of opening my heart more to prepare for the darkness that might try to close it.  She climbed into bed with me on day 1- and slept inches away from me every night- with her head right  on the next pillow. She became my little girl. Benjamin stayed out on his bed in the living room every night now. I thought it was his arthritis at first. But now I know- he and Abbey had plans and they were unfolding perfectly.  He also just accepted her so effortlessly. He welcomed her into this tiny apartment right away.  She treated him like the king he was- and now I know it was because he was preparing her for her most important role- to provide the greatest comfort to me as he moved on. To continue to inspire me to Open, when Life sometimes makes me want to close down tightly. She is my muse now.  She is my right hand girl.  She makes me laugh a lot , amidst the pain of this immense loss.  Benjamin knew I needed this medicine to go on.

He brought her to me to not fill his space. he knew that could never be filled. But he brought her to me- to provide the ground for me to feel Joy, Laughter, Aliveness, Happiness and Fun while my heart was broken open.  What a gift this beloved son brought.  He knew exactly what I would need to wake up every day.  Abbey girl is home now and we have a long wonderful journey ahead of us- where she teaches me to find Joy in a thousand different ways.