Yuki girl is staying over for a couple nights.  I love having her here because she adds her own spice to this family.  She is a border collie mix, around 5 or 6 years old.  She is a great combination of sassiness and affection.  She has this persistent way about her on the trails runs-  she will find a stick, pinecomb, or ball and get you to pick it up and throw it no matter what. I will even say to myself  “no more, I am done.”,  then  2 minutes later, I am throwing it for her. It is the way she looks at me-  she places the stick in front of her, then lays down right in front of it and waits so purely and patiently.

Now, here at home, at 9:30 pm,  she is layed out on her bed,  head hung over the side.  She  looks like a little girl, all curled up , ready for a nighttime story.  Every time I get up, she slowly raises her head just to check in to see if any new action is necessary. After all, she is a border collie-  always ready to be called in for work.

What I love about her- is her fortitude and resolve.  She is a little girl in a mighty package.  Size does not matter here, presence does.  her attitude tells other dogs  ”  I mean business.”   She is quite fearless, and  yet elegant in her dog social skills.  She lets other dogs get her ball  even if she is in fast flight toward it, and at the same time= raises her lip when a dog bumps too hard into her.  She communicates with graceful skill.  I love this girl.

He was rescued from a shelter by a friend of mine. Before that he had been on the streets with a homeless man. He is about a year old and he is an American Bulldog mix. He is goofy, inquisitive and really quite mellow. He has a very sweet way about him, respecting other dogs space and offering play when they are up for it. He is very gentle and affectionate. This is one stellar dog who deserves lots of love and a forever home.

I had a hard day yesterday.  I was in pain watching Benjamin have a hard time of it.  He has good days and bad days and how well he is doing affects me greatly.

We went to Wildcat canyon Park for our morning walk and he kept on going in the bushes to make a bed.  He will dig and rustle up the leaves and brush and then just stand and look at me.  This has always been odd behavior to me and I can’t quite figure out what he is trying to tell me.  I think it is that he is tired and does not want to go further.  I sat down on the trail and cried while he was in the bushes.  A nice lady walked by and asked if I was okay.  I told her I was sad because my boy is not doing well today.  I told her how much I loved him.  I told her we had been through alot together.  He came out of the bushes then and went over to her and nudged her for some pets.  We slowly went on our way.

I brought him home and he curled up on his bed and I went on my way to work with the girls.  But I carried the pain with me all day.  I then became fixated with finding a cure for the pain.  I believed needed  to get rid of it.  I was looking for some hit of something to take it all away.  This is why people take a drink or eat some chocolate or drive too fast.  There are so many ways to ease the pain- but most of them just put a small band aid on it and it comes roaring back and we go through all the searching again and again  for that elusive cure.

As hard as it is,  I will try something different today- I will just be with the pain. Allow it to breathe and have its time with me.  My spiritual counselor says it is like a hairball, it needs to come up, it needs to be spit out. I will probably sit with my boy and just smell him, pet him, hold him and talk to him.  I think this is where the healing is-  to just let it all be.  Nothing needs to be fixed or taken away right now.  A good cry is the remedy here.

These girls have a very interesting dynamic. Miss Madeline is the more stable of the 2. By this I mean- she is predictable and sound in her behavior. Lucille is as I like to call her “My complicated girl”. She is dominant and insecure. She is moody- sometimes extremely over the top affectionate and other times- withdrawn and sullen. If she was a human, she would be diagnosed as Bi Polar.

So Lucille never accepts any dog in the home readily. It takes time. and even then, she has to remind them she is a force to be reckoned with. The funny thing is, she does this posturing when they could care less. Poor girl flaunts her ways and they are busy pulling out stuffing from the closest toy. Madeline was the perfect 3rd dog for this household. She is quiet and unassuming. She knows Lucille has “issues”, and she gives her space. Funny thing is, this relationship keeps on developing even after 2 years together. Yesterday, at the Albany bulb evening walk – they start sniffing each other and suddenly Madeline does a play bow and Lucille does a little dance! It went on for a few minutes and I got such a kick out of it.

They way I see it, Madeline is the smart one- she knows Lucille is a bit of a loose cannon- she knows she is “the special sister”- so she uses her quiet and respectful ways to gain Lucille’s trust. And her timing is impeccable- she knows exactly when to kick in a little play- it has to be when Lucille is totally relaxed and at ease with her- no food or toys in sight. I think Madeline would make a great negotiator or peacemaker- she is centered in her approach to Lucille- she knows exactly where Lucille’s boundaries are and never crosses over. and even when Lucille snaps and loses her cool, Madeline can immediately return to center and appease Lucille with a calming look.

Harmony usually exits between them. It may look like Madeline is the submissive one, yet- I see her as the wise one- giving just the right space and just the right connection to Lucille. Good Girl.

I am humbled by the level of patience my mom had with me over the years, especially my teenage years. She had to put up with so much angst, when throwing me out would have been the easier road. I hope I have apologized enough in words and deeds. I am not “Miss smarty pants” anymore, in fact, I think I know much less than I thought I knew then.

The ability to tolerate a hell of a lot has been passed onto me, with the mothering of my dogs. When Lucille came to me the other night, very concerned and upset because a long strand of grass was stuck in her bum, I had no problem pulling it out. In fact, I have done that countless of times. When Madeline wants to come in and out from the backyard, I have no problem opening and closing the door 10 times in 20 minutes. and No, I can’t leave the door open because Benjamin is deathly afraid of flies. and then, I have no problem spending 1/2 hour hunting down the one small fly that has found its way in so that Benjamin can stop shaking in his bed. I have no problem with the shrill barking that Lucille does the moment we get in the truck until we get to the park. This ride could be 10 minutes or an hour. She sits directly behind me, and while she barks, she spits at me so much so that my shoulder is wet from it all. This is simply because she is so enthusiastic about our destination. I simply tune it out and wipe my shoulder clean. If a passenger ever rides with me, they are amazed that I ride in peaceful ignorance while she yells with glee at both of us “Mom, when are we gonna get there!”

I think what others might find extremely annoying, I find precious- because I am their mom. Their quirks are what make them loveable to me. I celebrate their unique goofiness. I let them be who they are, without needing to change or mold them to suit my interests. I love them unconditionally- especially because they are quirky and odd.  That is what a mom does.

Thank you mom for teaching me about love and tolerance.

My dogs are my kids, period.  Maybe  someone that has human children will balk at this, yet,  every ounce of being feels like I am mothering at the deepest core.

I teach how to be the centered and calm leader to your dogs.  This is still an ongoing process for me too!  I know that my deepening spiritual practice has made me a better leader.  The more I discover about myself  and heal my wounds-  the more I give wisely and purely to my dogs.

Yet- here is where I am still “stuck”-  I put my dogs needs before my own,  almost always. Just as a mother would.  I cannot allow any of them to ever be hurt, lonely, scared, or confused.  I make their world so safe and secure so they are never lost.  Sometimes, I do this to the detriment of my own life.  I don’t go out now because Benjamin is home all day alone and I feel like he really wants my attention at night.   I don’t go to the spiritual retreats I would like to go to because I don’t have anyone to be with my dogs.  (Yes- I don’t trust anyone enough).  I have created hobbies I can do at home so that my dogs will not be left alone.

I  know why I do this  ( a therapy a-ha moment).  I do this- because I am parenting them exactly as I would have wanted to be parented.  To be held in such a safe and loving cocoon where no fear is ever let in.  I am living my childhood through my dogs.  Their security gives me the deepest peace of mind. When their pain has been unavoidable- like the many surgeries this past year- it’s as if I am the one being cut open, the pain is so vivid to me, it leaves me breathless.  So I dig even deeper to make their world sane and kind.

My spiritual practice is to keep giving them this depth of love and security  AND to find some space for me and my life.  This is no easy task.  I am a Mother, first and foremost, so building another identity feels like a massive construction process. Yet- I know I need this.  I need some space to let in other aspects of me.  To grow and prosper as a women separate from these beings.

I know too- that my dogs want this for me.  They want me to open up to all my potential.  They want me to evolve and heal.  My growth will show them that I can hold the ground for them too.  I don’t need to live my life through them.  Rather, we can be side by side on this journey of Life, holding each other up.

There has never ever been a time when I couldn’t cry in front of my dogs, for fear they would reject me. I have had moments on the living room floor, balling my eyes out, curled in a fetal position- and who surrounded me with TOTAL acceptance but- my dogs. They will lovingly lick my tears away. They will curl their body against mine as it shivers. They will cock their heads as I tell them my woes. I never have to hold back with them. I know without a doubt, I will be loved and accepted even in my weakest moments. This is the divine gift of having a dog in your life.

Be careful who to share these vulnerable moments with. Only give it to someone that can hold you- metaphorically or actually. Give this gift of yourself to someone that can be 1. Patient with you 2. Accepting of you. 3. loving with you 4. on your side.

It is a precious gift to be able to be vulnerable with someone. Treat it as gold. Only those that can hold this dear special place for you-deserve it. Be kind , sweet soul.

It was 8 years ago today, March 4, 2001.  I consider today his birthday.  I consider the day he became Free.  This is the story of that day…

9 days prior, my beloved Coda girl died in my arms.  I was in such grief, I couldn’t go home.  I stayed at friends’ houses.  I couldn’t bear smelling her, not seeing her, not touching her.  I couldn’t bear any of it. I had gone back to work and was dropping off Sylvia and Charlie. They lived in a not so great part of  Oakland.  I jumped in my truck and  something deep inside me told me to look over at the house across the street.  It was so clear to me to do this.  The house was a wreck, old and decrepid and beyond it there was a yard with a dog chained up to the fence.

I don’t know how to explain this other than God was on the street with me.  I got out of the truck and walked onto the property into the backyard, to this dog.  What I came to was the most horrible case of neglect I had ever seen in all my years of dog rescue.  This poor wretched soul was skin and bones, jutting out everywhere.  The chain around his neck had rubbed his skin raw.  There was no food, no water, and no shelter anywhere for him.  I did not need to think or ponder anything,  again- God gave me Pure Action.  I undid the chain and picked up this Rottweiler.  I carried him to my truck and at the same time, a neighbor came out hurriedly.  I jumped in the truck with the dog and sped away.

I had not been home in 9 days. Pure Action brought me home.  This boy needed tending to. He needed a warm place to eat and rest and know me.  I drove right home and welcomed him.

He ate 9 bowls of food in 3 hours.  I DO NOT recommend this.  This was my mistake.  He could not get enough sustenance.  He was ravenous.  He slept fully through the night on a thick bed of blankets.

I awoke to being back in my home with a soul that needed me, so desperately.  I had no more time to mourn Coda.  I only had time to give  to this poor boy.  He needed immediate vet care and my care to stabilize him.  The vet said he probably had less than a month to live- he was being starved to death.

On March 4, 2001-  I was brought out of my deep grief in a flash.  I was given a job.  I was needed.  In just a few seconds, I felt the immense rush of being a protective mom.  I was called to be here for him.  I knew instantly that we were meant for each other.  I knew that he had things to tell me and teach me.

I named him Benjamin.  It was instant intense beautiful love.  His bones would heal with me, his mind could rest with me,  his heart would open with me.  And the gift he gave me is so vast, it almost can’t be named-  He gave me the Knowing that We are All One.  We are all here to Awaken to Our True Nature- which is Pure Love and Pure Consciousness.

To some, it would look like it was out of control- open up the truck, 8 dogs jump out with total abandon, running in all directions. To me- its perfect chaos. They remind me of those amazing birds that fly in a tightly knit flock- and they zoom this way and that, like a swarm of bees- they change direction so quickly- its as if they are one entity..

The pack goes north, south, east and west- jumping through bushes, wading in puddles, and careening down hills- all in a matter of seconds. and then suddenly- they are all together again. They are a Group Consciousness. They may be separate bodies, but they eventually operate as one. It is a sight to behold. I am not actually sure how they do it. Who is driving who? Is it me? Is it some universal Life force?

Watch this- Joey is digging with glee over there. Madeline is on top of a rock barking at a ground squirrel, Pippin is begging me to throw the ball, and Micky is barking at everyone to get them to notice her and then- we all move in unison down the trail, being great as individual life forces, and even greater as one big force of life, energy, and power.

When I watch Benjamin navigate the hills around my house- I see him struggling. His limp is more pronounced this last week. He is moving slowly and stiffly. When I watch him, I am dying inside often. His struggle becomes my deepest pain. I am watching my son have a hard time, and I want it to stop! I scream at God ,inside my head. I argue with Life ” How can you let this happen, how can something so innocent be allowed to be in such pain? I have even yelled ” I hate Life!” I look back and him every few minutes, hoping desperately that he is suddenly without that limp. I try not to let him see MY pain, instead I say ” What a good boy”. I want him to know how much “his trying” is good enough for me. he doesn’t have to do anything perfectly. Just putting one foot in front of the other is good enough for me.

I talked to my spiritual advisor ( also Life coach and therapist all rolled into one) last night about the hills and Benjamin. I told him how much agony I am in when I see my boy struggling. He said something so big for me to take in: “Benjamin is not suffering at all like you feel he is. Your suffering is 1000 times more. ” This suddenly put my mind at ease. I got it!

Benjamin is in the moment- he just puts one foot in front of the other, slowly, and sometimes painfully- but without the suffering of the mind. He is not thinking- ” I can’t do this, I can’t bear to go on, This is too hard….” No, his mind does not suffer with endless chatter like mine does. He only exists in the Now, he does the next right thing. His body and mind just move step by step, perhaps with some discomfort, some dis- ease, but no suffering. The definition of suffering is not pain in the body- but all the pain in the mind chatter. My boy is free of this. His mind does not hold this suffering. His mind is clear to operate in the Now.

When I really took this realization in, I was able to breathe again. My agony is NOT his. My projections cause me fear and anxiety. This is my practice: to see my projections for what they are: illusions brought on by the past.

My boy is in the here and now, going up each hill with quiet and resolute patience. I learn from him – I too can climb this hill, side by side with him, joined by love and acceptance. When I accept Life, I don’t suffer.