My dogs are my kids, period. Maybe someone that has human children will balk at this, yet, every ounce of being feels like I am mothering at the deepest core.
I teach how to be the centered and calm leader to your dogs. This is still an ongoing process for me too! I know that my deepening spiritual practice has made me a better leader. The more I discover about myself and heal my wounds- the more I give wisely and purely to my dogs.
Yet- here is where I am still “stuck”- I put my dogs needs before my own, almost always. Just as a mother would. I cannot allow any of them to ever be hurt, lonely, scared, or confused. I make their world so safe and secure so they are never lost. Sometimes, I do this to the detriment of my own life. I don’t go out now because Benjamin is home all day alone and I feel like he really wants my attention at night. I don’t go to the spiritual retreats I would like to go to because I don’t have anyone to be with my dogs. (Yes- I don’t trust anyone enough). I have created hobbies I can do at home so that my dogs will not be left alone.
I know why I do this ( a therapy a-ha moment). I do this- because I am parenting them exactly as I would have wanted to be parented. To be held in such a safe and loving cocoon where no fear is ever let in. I am living my childhood through my dogs. Their security gives me the deepest peace of mind. When their pain has been unavoidable- like the many surgeries this past year- it’s as if I am the one being cut open, the pain is so vivid to me, it leaves me breathless. So I dig even deeper to make their world sane and kind.
My spiritual practice is to keep giving them this depth of love and security AND to find some space for me and my life. This is no easy task. I am a Mother, first and foremost, so building another identity feels like a massive construction process. Yet- I know I need this. I need some space to let in other aspects of me. To grow and prosper as a women separate from these beings.
I know too- that my dogs want this for me. They want me to open up to all my potential. They want me to evolve and heal. My growth will show them that I can hold the ground for them too. I don’t need to live my life through them. Rather, we can be side by side on this journey of Life, holding each other up.