I had a hard day yesterday. I was in pain watching Benjamin have a hard time of it. He has good days and bad days and how well he is doing affects me greatly.
We went to Wildcat canyon Park for our morning walk and he kept on going in the bushes to make a bed. He will dig and rustle up the leaves and brush and then just stand and look at me. This has always been odd behavior to me and I can’t quite figure out what he is trying to tell me. I think it is that he is tired and does not want to go further. I sat down on the trail and cried while he was in the bushes. A nice lady walked by and asked if I was okay. I told her I was sad because my boy is not doing well today. I told her how much I loved him. I told her we had been through alot together. He came out of the bushes then and went over to her and nudged her for some pets. We slowly went on our way.
I brought him home and he curled up on his bed and I went on my way to work with the girls. But I carried the pain with me all day. I then became fixated with finding a cure for the pain. I believed needed to get rid of it. I was looking for some hit of something to take it all away. This is why people take a drink or eat some chocolate or drive too fast. There are so many ways to ease the pain- but most of them just put a small band aid on it and it comes roaring back and we go through all the searching again and again for that elusive cure.
As hard as it is, I will try something different today- I will just be with the pain. Allow it to breathe and have its time with me. My spiritual counselor says it is like a hairball, it needs to come up, it needs to be spit out. I will probably sit with my boy and just smell him, pet him, hold him and talk to him. I think this is where the healing is- to just let it all be. Nothing needs to be fixed or taken away right now. A good cry is the remedy here.