Benjamin told me on the trip- to start , very slowly, without judgement- to look at life as Walking Meditation. Slowing Down, lots of pausing , noticing the uncertainty, resting in it, if I fall through a crack- just notice the angst. maybe try a little to hold in the outer reaction, but let the inner burn. Then take another step. and another…
Some outer reactions I cannot contain- when someone threatens my children ( dogs) with intense judgement. They are, after all Pit bull types, and many ignorant people have a lot to say about them. I can never hold my tongue. It is as if they are spitting on my sons and daughters. I return with sharp acerbic retaliation. This has been a pattern for many years and there is a lesson in these confrontations. Benjamin asks me to pause and reflect.
The outer reaction of anger will only fuel the inner demons. The inner demon is telling you “Believe this thought!!” “Believe that all people are evil and mean” “Believe that the world is a hopeless place of misery” “Don’t trust !” “Change will never come” “Ignorance rules”. and on and on. When I spit out my venom back- I am perpetuating the myths of my tortured angry mind. I am saying ” I believe you and I am the same misery as you”. But Benjamin asks me to pause here….
Aren’t we all just wounded souls believing our misery? Aren’t we all just creatures of our past programming of grief and judgement? Did any of us come from Buddha parents? Aren’t we all capable AT SOME POINT of change? Change that happens when we question our inner demons. So the old woman who yelled at me yesterday to “put those dogs on leash because they kill people!” ( yes, it happened!!) is just lost inside her dark lonely unquestioned mind. Just like I am- when I judge someone without hearing their story. Benjamin asks me to DIG VERY DEEPLY in my Heart. Stop the outer reaction in its tracks. Stop it. Don’t let more venom into this already angry world. Stop and LOOK DIRECTLY Into her eyes- and see the suffering. Find the connection. It is there. if I cannot do more than this- then this is enough for now. Look into her eyes, then move on in Silence. Leave her with the Silence of a more open heart then the one that wants to shred her.
Then Benjamin says- maybe at the next encounter with the ignorant and pained- you will GO DEEPER. This will take deep practice and conviction to LOVE BEYOND ALL ELSE. Maybe next time- you will stand unwavering in this woman’s presence- and simply say ” I hear you, I acknowledge your pain. I am so sorry”.
Benjamin says, “baby steps, mom” Just small- Treat Life like Walking Meditation. Pause, Slow way down. Stumble into a crack and just notice the angst that arises, then as lovelingly as you can- pick up your foot and step forward again.
Love, Your son, Benjamin