Emotional pain has been a fairly common theme in my life. I have done loads of inner work around it and will continue to be open to healing, evolving and acceptance. With Benjamin’s passing, I have come to realize my mind is a “fixer”. It compulsively tries to fix my pain. It is a pain eating machine- by “doing” and “thinking”. I feel pain, my mind wants to fix it somehow and many times- I can somehow mitigate or lessen it through doing or thinking my way out.
Well Here comes Death and slams my Doing Mind wide Closed! There is nothing to do, nothing to fix, nothing to change. Death stops the mind in its tracks. It has shocked to my core. I cannot fix this! No amount of doing or thinking is going to bring my beloved boy back to me. I sit here in disbelief and total surrender. I am fighting this…but the fight can’t sustain itself. I can kick and scream and beg yet my boy, in his physical presence, is no more.
So I will fight until the fight burns out. I will fully allow the little girl in me to cry and wail until she is saturated with her tears…and then Surrender will take over, in its soft sweeping presence. I will surrender. I will give up. I will stand tall with Heart Wide Open- and in this moment- my boy will smile his vast loving smile and tell me- “Mom , We are Home”.