Nothing coming through this morning, except the longing and missing. It’s so big. This loss is immense in my heart. Everything has changed. Everything. I can’t believe he is gone. He was the center of my life. and it was all good. I was completely fulfilled in loving him. There was nothing that was not Whole in our Love. It was complete and perfect. I know the Love is still here, of course it is. But this huge aching loss of his physical presence just leaves me on my knees. I adored everything about his tender sweet body. The older he got- the more fragile he got- and this made me very attached to being his best caregiver. I have said it before- I was serving the Beloved. He was on his “throne” – his dog bed- and I was his loving servant, beside him, always tending to every physical need. and what a GIFT this was for me. Because the Love and Presence he gave me was so so vast- It is simply beyond words.
I just got a glimpse from my boy- he is stepping in to say “Mom, the lesson here is that LOVE IS BEYOND FORM. Step outside the confines of your mind and Know that Our Love is so Alive and Well always. and that our Connection is permanent and unchanging. We are together RIGHT NOW , it is just your sweet innocent mind that keeps you from seeing it. So again, Mom, I ask you to find me , find us, in the pauses. I am there, with you, underneath the busy busy mind. I may feel like a whisper at first. Don’t try too hard to “find me”, that will stress you out! Just observe, breathe, pause- and enter the room that is our place of connection. I am always here- ready to hold you.
Funny thing- I never know when he is going to step in and talk to me. This post was just going to be about the missing. My boy knew I needed some reassurance this morning. I have felt lost a bit. His death has changed me, in ways I do not yet know how to explain, nor do I know how I will “end up”. I may appear more open, more disorganized, scattered, quieter right now. It is all an Un-Doing. ( he says). This un- doing is bringing me back to Home. The Home where he dwells. So friends, you may not be quite sure how to deal with me in the coming months- just know I am exactly where I should be.