When I watch Benjamin navigate the hills around my house- I see him struggling. His limp is more pronounced this last week. He is moving slowly and stiffly. When I watch him, I am dying inside often. His struggle becomes my deepest pain. I am watching my son have a hard time, and I want it to stop! I scream at God ,inside my head. I argue with Life ” How can you let this happen, how can something so innocent be allowed to be in such pain? I have even yelled ” I hate Life!” I look back and him every few minutes, hoping desperately that he is suddenly without that limp. I try not to let him see MY pain, instead I say ” What a good boy”. I want him to know how much “his trying” is good enough for me. he doesn’t have to do anything perfectly. Just putting one foot in front of the other is good enough for me.
I talked to my spiritual advisor ( also Life coach and therapist all rolled into one) last night about the hills and Benjamin. I told him how much agony I am in when I see my boy struggling. He said something so big for me to take in: “Benjamin is not suffering at all like you feel he is. Your suffering is 1000 times more. ” This suddenly put my mind at ease. I got it!
Benjamin is in the moment- he just puts one foot in front of the other, slowly, and sometimes painfully- but without the suffering of the mind. He is not thinking- ” I can’t do this, I can’t bear to go on, This is too hard….” No, his mind does not suffer with endless chatter like mine does. He only exists in the Now, he does the next right thing. His body and mind just move step by step, perhaps with some discomfort, some dis- ease, but no suffering. The definition of suffering is not pain in the body- but all the pain in the mind chatter. My boy is free of this. His mind does not hold this suffering. His mind is clear to operate in the Now.
When I really took this realization in, I was able to breathe again. My agony is NOT his. My projections cause me fear and anxiety. This is my practice: to see my projections for what they are: illusions brought on by the past.
My boy is in the here and now, going up each hill with quiet and resolute patience. I learn from him – I too can climb this hill, side by side with him, joined by love and acceptance. When I accept Life, I don’t suffer.