Wow, I really never knew how much pain the heart could handle until now. It fills my days sometimes. I am the walking wounded. Life moves at its frenetic pace around me, but something is changing inside – I am softening, I am letting go, I am truly vulnerable. And I think this is exactly what my boy wants for me. I may appear as disheveled, scattered, and unsure- and it is also- contemplative, quieter, and questioning.
My boy saw that I have been driven to seek solace, trust and acceptance in others, while leaving my own self standing naked alone. He saw that I only felt safe and secure truly in his presence, while my world view was often charged with distrust and fear. It wasn’t always this way, mind you- we always start out perfectly innocent and full of open hearted yearning- then unconscious behavior, patterns and people can knock us to the ground. We get up every time, but with less openness and less trust- we start to look at the world as scary, unsafe, unpredictable. We also start to doubt our own goodness. That poisonous thinking can take over as we grow into adulthood.
My boy saw that I was ready to leap forward- back into the presence of a trusting little girl who intuitively knows that the Universe is Benevolent. This very much includes the universe of myself. His leaving has brought me to my knees, questioning all that I have believed..and it is this questioning that brings me closer to myself and to others. I have now experienced unconditional love and support from so many. I have now experienced the caring compassion of strangers as they see me wipe away tears. I have now witnessed the coldness crack from someone that seemed so closed down- when they talk to me and sense my current fragility. It is through this grief, that the Light of goodness is pouring in to heal my precious heart. My boy knew exactly what would come in the weeks following his death- an awakening back to the Innocence of my little girl with her wide eyed hope that Love is Unchanging.