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Madelin’s medical woes spanned the course of our 8\u00a0 years together.\u00a0 She had subsequent skin mast cell tumors removed. About every 2-3 years, a small lump would come up, causing me instant worry and when it came back cancer- we would have it removed through surgery.\u00a0 The years of 2011-2015- we faced serious life threatening emergencies together.\u00a0 In 2012, Madeline was laying down\u00a0 within several feet of\u00a0\u00a0 my truck while I tended to my 3 other dogs, and a car literally ran right over her.\u00a0 I still can picture it today.\u00a0 Her leg was stuck in the engine and she was screaming in agony. Beyond the hellish\u00a0 stress, I also remember\u00a0 many people come running to our aid and in seconds.\u00a0 Someone\u00a0 got a jack to lift the car she was stuck under and lifted it up to free her.\u00a0 I did not know if she would live or die. I ran through every red light and took the HOV lane on the highway to make it to my vet 10 miles away.\u00a0 Madeline had\u00a0 a broken leg and immediately went into surgery. \u00a0 12 weeks after surgery, it was determined that the surgery was unsuccessful and her bone was not healing.\u00a0 Amputation was mentioned.\u00a0 I vowed to fight to save her leg.\u00a0\u00a0 I found a surgeon specialist and Madeline underwent another complex limb surgery .\u00a0 It was very touch and go for 3 more months but it was finally determined after loads of rest, rehab and alternative modalities to promote bone growth – her bone was saved and healed!!<\/p>\n
Then in 2013- without a known cause, Madeline stopped eating for 13 days. Thousands of dollars in tests\u00a0 later,\u00a0 the specialist\u00a0 determined that she had Inflammatory Bowel Disease.\u00a0 This is a complex disease that requires a radical change in diet and long term medicines including steroids.\u00a0 For the next\u00a0 2 years, I home cooked Madeline a variety of novel meats like rabbit, bison and duck.\u00a0 As a staunch vegetarian, it certainly took resolve to have a whole rabbit cooking in a pot many evenings a month.\u00a0 Madeline responded very well to the new diet and medicine almost immediately but we would still\u00a0 be faced with many bouts of IBD illness over the next 2 years.\u00a0 My days were often determined as “good” if she was eating well and ” very bad” if she was not.\u00a0 It took a toll on both of us.<\/p>\n
Shortly after her IBD diagnosis, a lump appeared on her hind end.\u00a0\u00a0 I knew the cancer could return at any time\u00a0 but still devastated when the tests came back a “high grade 2 mast cell tumor”.\u00a0 This was NOT good news.\u00a0 This meant the cancer was not only in the lump sight but also in the lymph node right next to it.\u00a0\u00a0 My regular vet said it was time to see a cancer specialist, a vet oncologist.\u00a0\u00a0 After an in depth consultation with the oncologist, Madeline started on a chemotherapy regime.\u00a0 Some dog cancers are treated with chemotherapy for the life of the dog.\u00a0 If Madeline tolerated this medicine, it would mean, she could be on it for the rest of her life and indeed that came to pass.\u00a0\u00a0 For 11 months,\u00a0 Madeline went into almost full remission.\u00a0 She had a tiny spot on her eyelid that was a tiny cancerous tumor but her lymph node returned to its normal size. I was over joyed at her great response!\u00a0 But there was always the vet’s voice in the back of my head- ” eventually this chemo drug will stop working”\u00a0 and at the 11 month mark-\u00a0 a lymph node in her belly\u00a0 got ugly ,enlarged , and bruised.\u00a0 The cancer had become more aggressive.\u00a0 My amazing vet\u00a0 gave me a few options and I decided to go with a more aggressive chemo protocol.\u00a0 For the next\u00a0 4 months, we drove 45 minutes away to her clinic to get Madeline’s chemotherapy.\u00a0 This was much different than the Palladia she had been on for 11 months-\u00a0 those were pills given at home.\u00a0 This chemo worked to shrink her lymph node but it also made her sick off and on.\u00a0 We had some hard days and this hurt my heart.\u00a0 Madeline was my stoic angel but I knew when she did not feel good.\u00a0 She would ask to go outside and she would dig a hole in the cold dirt and lay there.\u00a0\u00a0 She suffered from nausea, low appetite and diarrhea.\u00a0 But she also had many good days in between, or I would not have continued this medicine.\u00a0 We still took 2 long walks every day. She still fence fought the dogs she loved to ambush in our neighborhood.\u00a0 Now normally, I would never allow this behavior but there is something really cool about seeing an old lady dog have such gumption and nerve to act all tough and ferocious , especially because she was not a fighter.<\/p>\n
Madeline was a truly unique dog. As my friend Silvia said\u00a0 “She was a bad ass dog that listened to no one”.\u00a0\u00a0 She was supremely confident and stoic girl who had simple pleasures.\u00a0\u00a0 She had to chase deer, she had to bark at dogs behind fences. She had to lay in every body of water we came across.\u00a0 Not just lay, mind you, but meditate fully.\u00a0 Anyone that would come across our path when she was doing this would be overcome with curiosity.\u00a0 She literally laid in the water and did not move.\u00a0 She looked like she was deep in meditation. She would do this for as long as I would let her.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n This stronger chemo worked for 4 months and then I awoke one morning to see her lymph node swollen. My heart leapt into my throat.\u00a0 Truth be told, this cancer worry had taken over my life.\u00a0 Madeline’s good days were my good days.\u00a0 Her bad days were mine\u00a0 hundred fold.\u00a0 My life had become all about her well being.\u00a0 That’s what mothers do.\u00a0 Anyone who loves their dogs as their children will understand what I feel.\u00a0 I couldn’t bear to see her sick and I would do anything possible to make her better.<\/p>\n Madeline got upwards of 30 pills a day her last 2 years.\u00a0 The pill taking became a really hard time for us.\u00a0 There was nothing I could hide them in anymore. If she got even a whiff of a pill, she would spit the whole food mouthful out and not ever want to eat that food again.\u00a0 So for\u00a0 over a year, I had to put 30 pills a day down her throat.\u00a0 I hate that there were times I would get frustrated with her- when she would\u00a0 try to throw them back up.\u00a0 She would froth at the mouth and look at me pained.\u00a0 I only\u00a0 hope she understood, on some level, that\u00a0 these pills were saving her life.<\/p>\n Madeline also developed “food aversion”.\u00a0\u00a0 This is when a dog doesn’t feel good and then associates the food they most recently ate with not feeling good , so they do not want to eat it anymore, even though they are very hungry.\u00a0 This became a complicated situation to say the least.\u00a0 Because Madeline had IBD, she could only eat certain proteins- like bison, rabbit or duck.\u00a0 So when she stopped trusting one food, I had to buy another one, until she stopped trusting that one and so on.\u00a0 My friends found it incredulous that I, as a staunch vegetarian, would cook\u00a0 a whole rabbit on my stove.\u00a0 But alas, when Madeline was eating well-those were my good days.<\/p>\n Madeline’s good days way outnumbered the bad ones.\u00a0 We did a 3 hour hike New year’s day.\u00a0 People on the big hills that passed us by\u00a0 yelled words of encouragement for her.\u00a0 It made me tear up and realize how much of a warrior she truly was.\u00a0 I could also tell when Madeline felt good- she loved to roll in any good lawn or field or grass.\u00a0\u00a0 She was usually behind me on a walk and when I would call out to her and there was a nice lawn right near by- she would look at me for a moment or two , pondering if she should listen to me and almost always- she didn’t!\u00a0 Instead she would saunter over to the grass and do a full body roll , her face clearly satisfied and joyful.<\/p>\n Madeline’s good days lasted until just our last 48 together.\u00a0 She took a sudden sharp turn and stopped eating.\u00a0 She also seemed suddenly very weak.\u00a0 I was praying it was just a bout of her IBD, but when morning came- she could not even walk outside.\u00a0\u00a0 I prayed on what to do.\u00a0 I carried her outside to the back yard filled with straw and lay her down.\u00a0\u00a0 She seemed at peace.\u00a0 I imagined taking her into the vet-\u00a0 where they would no less do a battery of tests and keep her there in a cage.\u00a0 Madeline hated the vet. She had had years of testing, surgeries, needles, and time away from me.\u00a0 Did she want to try to fight one more time?\u00a0\u00a0 Did she want to be in the hospital, away from her family?\u00a0 Would she even ever come back home?\u00a0\u00a0 All day I wrestled with these questions and felt so so very sad and scared.\u00a0\u00a0 But when I got really quiet with myself\u00a0 , laying next to my Beloved- I had the answer.\u00a0 The answer was No. The answer was She was ready to be Free.<\/p>\n Dr Grant came in the evening. My closest friends were with me . Our last moments were spent in deep communion and perfect love and acceptance.\u00a0 This was a magical dog who came into my life and showed me what true meditation, acceptance, and peace look and feel like.\u00a0 They are\u00a0 a deep\u00a0 vast ocean that fills your heart, mind and body with\u00a0 the Silence of\u00a0 God.\u00a0 When I looked into the eyes of my Madeline- I saw the Universe. I saw Infinite Goodness.\u00a0 There was no complexity , no confusion, no doubt- Just the Abiding Ever Present Face of Love.\u00a0\u00a0 I will never forget you my lady.<\/p>\n Thank you for every single moment you gave me.\u00a0 I will love you forever.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n<\/a><\/a><\/p>\n