It’s been almost 3 years since my beloved boy passed on and life has not been easy for my pack and I.\u00a0 We have had serious life threatening health issues , some that are chronic.\u00a0 I have spent thousands upon thousands of dollars.\u00a0 I have stayed up many many nights with worry. I have cried so many tears that there was no more to cry, yet amidst all the heartache and worry- my dogs continue to point me toward\u00a0 life’s deepest revelations.<\/p>\n
Lucille is in a wheel chair now.\u00a0 She cannot walk really without it.\u00a0 She has degenerative disc disease and her neurological function is diminishing.\u00a0 She is also fully incontinent.\u00a0 I have to clean her up to 20 times a day.\u00a0 She also wears diapers.\u00a0 I move her from one bed to the other. She takes 10 pills a day and I ice her aching muscles and give her deep tissue massage daily. I wake up 2-3 times a night to check on her.\u00a0 Yet- you would not know she is so fragile.\u00a0 She still rules the home.\u00a0 She still keeps the others in line.\u00a0 She still demands her meals on time, her walks on time and even her belly rubs on time.\u00a0 Physicality does not determine spirit.\u00a0 Physical strength does not determine might and will to live.<\/p>\n
Madeline, my ever incorrigible and stubborn old Pitty girl has been at death’s door 4 times in the last 1.5 years.\u00a0\u00a0 Hit and stuck under a car in July 2012 and\u00a0 2 surgeries followed to fix the broken femur bone.\u00a0 After her second surgery- she came down with aspirate pneumonia which had to be quickly treated so the infection would not spread to her healing bone. \u00a0 Then in Nov. 2012- she stopped eating for 14 days.. Many many tests later revealed she has Inflammatory Bowel Disease.\u00a0 A few months after we got that disease under control , her mast cell cancer came back and it was a higher grade and in the lymph node.\u00a0 I opted for surgery and chemotherapy.\u00a0 Before we could start the chemo- she collapsed and I rushed her to the hospital-\u00a0 she was going into DIC- what vets nickname ” Death is coming”- her platelets were not clotting- basically she was going to bleed to death.\u00a0 3 days later- she was out of the hospital and chemotherapy began.\u00a0 In August 2013-\u00a0 she stopped eating and had massive bowel and stomach issues.\u00a0 She was hospitalized for 3 days because bones were found in her intestine and stomach and there was a high risk of perforation which would mean death.\u00a0 My girl survived this and here we are today-\u00a0 9 months of chemotherapy and her cancer is in remission . She takes 16 pills a day which I have to shove down her throat because there is no amount of hiding them in food that she will not realize and then spit them all out.\u00a0 That is what I love about her- her willfulness to have it her way. Her IBD is in remission and she continues to amaze me.\u00a0 She continues to be so stubborn . She continues to do things her own damn way.\u00a0 She continues to have this persistent spirit that knows what she wants and finds any way to achieve her mission. She also has this quiet tenderness that only a few know.\u00a0 She appears aloof to many but when you are in her inside circle of people to trust- she will look at you right in the eyes-\u00a0 like a human – and just stare – as though she has such important things to share with you and desperately wants you to understand her, beyond the limited verbal language we\u00a0 have.<\/p>\n
Both these girls have shown me that I am stronger than I thought.\u00a0 I thought I would fall apart so many times in anguish and worry yet the power of Love pulled me up and onward. They have revealed my nature- which is everyone’s true nature- Unconditional Abiding Love.\u00a0 This Love is constant through sickness, weakness, vulnerability and aging.\u00a0\u00a0 Love is devotion amidst hardship. Love does not leave when things get hard. Love sees fragility and wants to\u00a0 honor and protect it.\u00a0 Love sees the strength in all beings, not matter how old, feeble or unsteady they are.\u00a0 I may not be married but I certainly have come to know what ” In sickness and in health ” really means.<\/p>\n
I readily admit there are days of great frustration and overwhelm.\u00a0 I see myself as a mom for 4 special needs children and\u00a0 there are many days I am pushed too thin.\u00a0 I have cursed at my dogs for their stubbornness , their willfulness and even their neediness but in the very next moment- I forgive myself and recognize I am\u00a0 just tired. Love never left us in these hard moments, it just waited for me to recharge and love myself too through it all.\u00a0\u00a0 That is another thing- these years of tending to my old girls has done for me-\u00a0 I love myself more. I accept myself more. I recognize my gifts through their eyes. I see my mothering and so appreciate this aspect of me.<\/p>\n
One day, my girls will leave me to journey on . Those will be such sad sad\u00a0 days. Letting go of my beloveds\u00a0 is the hardest thing I have ever done.\u00a0 But when I look back on these later years- I will see clearly that my devotion to their care made me a kinder more patient human being.\u00a0 What a gift , what a gift.\u00a0 Thank you my Madeline, Thank you My Lucille.<\/p>\n
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