I am tired tonight. but I feel compelled to say this- my grief is long and hard and ongoing. I am not done. I don’t know when this will be.\u00a0 Actually, let me rephrase this- I may never get over this loss.\u00a0 I am not asking for any special treatment or acknowledgment.\u00a0 None at all.\u00a0 I simply want my friends to know that I am forever changed.\u00a0 I am cracked wide open. I am completely incapable of having a hard shell anymore. I have no armor on. I am soft and supple to any emotion and pain. I am vulnerable.\u00a0 But not in the way that you may think. I am functioning okay. I am working, guiding, communicating, directing, organizing. but I am also not pretending to be someone I am not.\u00a0 What you see is what you get.\u00a0 I may be quiet, I may observe. I may be loud, I may be alert.\u00a0 But one thing I will not be is inauthentic.\u00a0 I am me. and\u00a0 that means I am accepting all of me more than I ever have before. all my wounds, insecurities, and defects.\u00a0 I won’t condemn myself much anymore. What a tired useless dialogue that is.<\/p>\n
Benjamin wants one thing for me. Just one- Self Love..\u00a0 His passing has propelled me to look deeply at all that I shunned inside myself.\u00a0 “No more”, he says,”No more”.\u00a0 “Accept the darkness and when this takes hold,I am right here, mom, to hold this space of Loving Safety”.<\/p>\n
As I walk this path of self forgiveness, the grief goes on- the missing, the longing, the tears.\u00a0 yet,maybe through these unending tears,come rejuvenation of this weary soul.\u00a0 This Soul that met Benjamin a lifetime ago- and knows without a doubt- that our rejoining can happen in any moment- in the center of my broken open Heart.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I am tired tonight. but I feel compelled to say this- my grief is long and hard and ongoing. I am not done. I don’t know when this will be.\u00a0 Actually, let me rephrase this- I may never get over this loss.\u00a0 I am not asking for any special treatment or acknowledgment.\u00a0 None at all.\u00a0 … <\/p>\n