Nothing coming through this morning, except the longing and missing.\u00a0 It’s so big. This loss is immense in my heart.\u00a0 Everything has changed. Everything.\u00a0 I can’t believe he is gone.\u00a0 He was the center of my life.\u00a0 and it was all good.\u00a0 I was completely fulfilled in loving him.\u00a0 There was nothing that was not Whole in our Love. It was complete and perfect.\u00a0 I know the Love is still here, of course it is.\u00a0 But this huge aching loss of his physical presence just leaves me on my knees.\u00a0 I adored everything about his tender sweet body.\u00a0 The older he got- the more fragile he got- and\u00a0 this made me very attached to being his best caregiver.\u00a0 I have said it before- I was serving the Beloved.\u00a0 He was on his “throne” – his dog bed- and I was his loving servant, beside him, always tending to every physical need.\u00a0 and what a GIFT this was for me.\u00a0 Because the Love and Presence he gave me was so so vast- It is simply beyond words.<\/p>\n
I just got a glimpse from my boy- he is stepping in to say “Mom, the lesson here is that LOVE IS BEYOND FORM.\u00a0 Step outside the confines of your mind and Know that Our Love is so Alive and Well always. and that our Connection is permanent and unchanging.\u00a0 We are together RIGHT NOW , it is just your sweet innocent mind that keeps you from seeing it.\u00a0 So again, Mom, I ask you to find me , find us, in the pauses.\u00a0 I am there, with you, underneath the busy busy mind.\u00a0 I may feel like a whisper at first.\u00a0 Don’t try too hard to “find me”, that will stress you out!\u00a0 Just observe, breathe, pause- and enter the room that is our place of connection.\u00a0 I am always here- ready to hold you.<\/p>\n
Funny thing- I never know when he is going to step in and talk to me. This post was just going to be about the missing.\u00a0 My boy knew I needed some reassurance this morning.\u00a0 I have felt lost a bit.\u00a0 His death has changed me,\u00a0 in ways I do not yet know how to explain, nor do I know how I will “end up”.\u00a0 I may appear more open, more disorganized,\u00a0 scattered, quieter right now.\u00a0 It is all an Un-Doing.\u00a0 ( he says).\u00a0 This un- doing is bringing me back to Home. The Home where he dwells.\u00a0 So friends,\u00a0 you may not be quite sure how to deal with me in the coming months- just know I am exactly where I should be.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Nothing coming through this morning, except the longing and missing.\u00a0 It’s so big. This loss is immense in my heart.\u00a0 Everything has changed. Everything.\u00a0 I can’t believe he is gone.\u00a0 He was the center of my life.\u00a0 and it was all good.\u00a0 I was completely fulfilled in loving him.\u00a0 There was nothing that was not … <\/p>\n