I love what I do and believe whole heartedly that you can guide your dog out of anxiety, fear, stress and insecurity. You are the key here.  He is waiting for your clear and calm direction.  He knows you have it in you.  The deepest transformation of your dog comes from you seeking the healing and answers inside yourself. I am just here to help support and navigate along the way.  I am here because I understand where you are.  I know your worries, your fear, and your self judgements. I have had them all.  I can help you see through your tangled web of stressful thoughts so that you can learn how to guide your precious dog, and through this process, you may learn how to love and guide your own precious self.

Then after chasing a deer in the hills a couple weeks ago- she came up lame,  and has been favoring her back leg off and on since then.  I have been through this before with Benjamin and Lucille- I am quite positive it is a partial ACL tear!  I have to take her in for a definitive diagnosis next week- but all the signs are there.

2 years ago, I would have been making plans for an expensive surgery for her.  But since Benjamin’s tear- I learned all about CM- Conservative Management-  a protocol that people swear by-  restricting your dogs exercise and movement severely for 8 weeks- allowing the scar tissue to form around the joint- to stabilize the knee without the ligament.  Most Veternary surgeons are not on board with this- but of course not- they only promote surgery!  but alternative vets are coming around to it.  There is a major support group on line of dog owners that are going through the process with their pups– and it was my saving grace to check in with these people every day while I was going through it with Benjamin.

I have become so much tougher in my heart when things go wrong with my pups’  health.  I used to fall apart, and now I come to terms with it much quicker.  Fighting the reality of it does no good.  I am their protector- I just need to do what needs to be done to heal their bodies.

There is a part of these times that I am still having a hard time with-  the aging of my dogs.  I feel fear off and on when I glance at them- and notice their slower walk .  I feel fear of loss, fear of change, fear of forever.  They are precious to me.  They are a part of me.  They identify me in many ways.  I am Kathy with Madeline, Lucille and Benjamin.  I have thought about talking to a counselor about my fears of losing them. These feelings shadow my days.  It really is a deep spiritual lesson to come to terms with the inevitability of change and loss.  At the same time-  it brings to light how much I can treasure each wonderful moment when I am laying with my dogs and feel the deep connection of love and affection we share together.  This moment is all there is.  In that moment, the future does not exist.

We’ve been adjusting to the move quite easily.  I downsized-  went from buying my first home 1 1/2 yrs. ago in Richmond and realizing the American dream wasn’t for me.  Long story- that’s another blog.  I feel like I am back in my 20’s again- with a cute little funky apartment crammed with dog beds and art.

For the first few days, the dogs followed me everywhere and watched my every move.  Moves must be jarring to them on some level.  They just want to make sure they are going wherever I am.  Have no doubt pups, I am never leaving your side.

Just heard another grumble and small roar because the cable guy is making his way up the walkway.  Benjamin man is called to duty once again and I am honored to have him as my protector.

But we did it, we are a great team.  He adjusted to the new routine beautifully.  That’s the sweetness of a dog-  all they need is love and connection- and they can adjust to change just fine.  It’s us humans that go kicking and screaming when something is different.

Benjamin still has a body wracked with arthritis, and there are days when I have a good cry on our walks- because I imagine he must be in pain.  But my boy just lives in his body with such dignity-  He stands tall, walks proud..and whenever he needs to stop and take a break- he does.  he listens to his body and never fights against reality.  I am humbled by watching him.  He might be in pain, but he loves to breathe the bay air fully, loves to greet each and every dog he passes, and loves to come over and nudge me for kisses.  He loves life and does not let pain dictate his days.

Benjamin goes twice weekly to Hydrotherapy.  This is a big tub filled with warm water  with an underwater treadmill.  It builds endurance, provides relief for his joints, and builds muscle mass.  He loves it!  He is like a little soldier marching along, with a job to do.  Here is a picture.

Benjamin is  making good progress.  He isn’t fully weight bearing on his back left leg- but he is definetly walking on it and seems way more comfortable than 4 weeks ago.  The first several weeks sucked-  he didn’t understand why he couldn’t go with me on the evening walk.  He had to lay around all day and all night with only short pee and poop breaks.  I have spent tons of m0ney on raw bones for him to chew on.  I have spent hours massaging and brushing him.  I hired an expert to come over and do massage and acupressure.  I even talked to an animal communicator.

Benjamin getting acupressure

I notice that when something happens that  is stressful in my life- I immediately need to figure out how to fix it. To make it right again. I go into action mode.  This can be a good thing-  because sometimes you can repair life’s broken paths…and then sometimes you can’t fully fix it.  I realized this morning- that even if my boy’s leg is repaired- that he still be the old man that has arthritis everywhere.  I can do everything possible to make him comfortable and happy- but I can’t give him a young boy’s body. and here comes that hard to swallow word-  Acceptance…acceptance of What Is.  I always come back to this humble place.  My heart yearns for the ability to accept what is.  I know if I can reach this place-  I will know what inner peace truly feels like

Benjamin is doing much better than I am.  Sure, he is a little confused why we turn around after our 5 minute walk.  Sure, he is looking at me with a “why” look when I leave with the girls and not him on our evening walks.  But allin all-  what he is missing in walks, he is getting tenfold in love, brushing, kong treats, doggy massage, acupressure and good conversation!  This restricted exercise will last minimum 8 weeks  ( we are in week 3) and I actually think I may survive it without too many more tantrums.  Once again, I am learning acceptance from the master-  Benjamin.  Right at this moment- while I am thinking how I wish he could come with me and the girls, he is busy  chewing his pig hoof stuffed with Tripe, not a care in the world, filled  up with love and bliss.  That’s my boy.

I honestly don’t have the energy to go into all the medical stuff with Benjamin right now. I will say he has a Partial ACL ( knee) tear and I am opting to do a program of severe exercise restriction called Conservative Management over surgery for the next 8 weeks. If I see little improvement, my boy will have to go under the knife. I hope this does not happen, he is old and I don’t want to put him through surgery.

I have alot more to say but not the energy to do it, so I will wait for one of those inspired mornings when my mind is open and ready to communicate.

Thank you all for your support and caring. It means so much.

I think it is healing to cry. But I can’t seem to stop.  I wonder if I will ever be okay.  I wonder if this worry and stress will be with me all the time.  I wonder when the relief will come.

I can’t seem to find the inner guru who has some life lesson to impart.  I can’t seem to stand tall and coax myself out of this state of grief.  I know I will handle life moment by moment. I know that I am a very responsible person and won’t totally lose it-  I just want God to give me some relief from the worry.  This is my prayer for today:

God,  I have had enough for one day.  I am asking you to bring some relief from worry and stress.  Please give Benjamin a better day.  Let his limp be lessened, Let his pain subside. Please give me the ability to breathe deeper. Please give me a little more spaciousness inside this crowded mind of fear.  Please let Benjamin and I enjoy each other today.  Please let me relax into the immense love and connection I have with him.  Please let me laugh and smile some today.

Thank you God for listening.

and what has this been doing to me? Well, I have been holding it together for him until yesterday- I just couldn’t stop crying. It’s as if his pain becomes mine but ten fold. I can’t seem to separate myself from him. It kills me to seem him so down. I have a sick child and I want to make it all better for him right now! I want to explain to him that he will feel okay soon. I want him to not be upset with me when I shove 5 pills down his hurting mouth. I want him to bring his monkey to me which would tell me he is feeling like himself. I want him to be happy to see me when I come home. and right now, my job is to find peace with where he is at right now. It’s to accept that he feels bad and that I can do everything I can to make him feel safe and loved, but I can’t take all the pain away.

The innocence of a dog is so precious to me. I want him to never feel fear or pain. I want him to always feel completely safe in this world. But, Life throws us curve balls and I can’t control everything. That is a big big life lesson- we don’t have control. We are often powerless to change something. Can I find some inner peace in knowing that I am doing everything I can and that God will ultimately take care of the rest. My definition of God is that Eternal magnificent Intelligence that is the flow of Life as it is. Benjamin is going to make it through this, can I? Can I be his mom and at the same time- can I not be controlled by the fear of losing him? Can I allow the fear to be here and not believe everything it is saying? Can I trust that Life knows best and I can just surrender to its wisdom?

Benjamin is right next to me right now, resting, at ease with his pain it seems. He doesn’t seem to be questioning this moment. He is not resisting anything. He is always my teacher. My good boy.