They came to me when I needed them the most

Uncategorized Add comments

There’s much more to convey but this is part one
So stress certainly can hurt the body. Not going to go on with my litany of elements but one of the things I’ve had to deal with is grinding my teeth for many many years and TMJ and finally I decided to gift myself crowns – I need many crowns from all the grinding but all I could put on a credit card was the six front
I had the appointment last week to do the first half of the procedure.

I didn’t sleep enough the night before and went into the dentist a bit dazed and stressed out. It’s pouring rain outside my dogs were in the truck and I was soaking wet from walking them before. I know that I stuck out like a sore thumb in their office because I was harried, wet and talking about how worried I was about my dogs

My friend recently called eccentric. I have never ever thought of myself like that. In my mind eye – I don’t see myself as some artsy fartseccentric gal . see myself as very down to earth but. Maybe in the last several months I am some kind of odd specimen walking around not completely present with too much on her mind and strange mannerisms

Anyways the dental proper procedure was quite intense actually drill into your teeth and make them smaller the dentist really wanted me to take the laughing gas but I remember hating that stuff because it made me feel very spacey and out of it. And I realize that I don’t really want drugs to make me do that I either want them to make me feel more awake, more alert, more conscious or more open but not disassociated .I wonder why some people choose drugs that make them feel fuzzy and others choose drugs that make them feel less so I wonder if it hasto do a trauma
The dentist was becoming a bit impatient with me because I was resisting the laughing gas and resisting more Novocain but suddenly I screamed in pain and agreed for more numbing medicine. It was then that I started to feel like I might have a panic attack – the reason was because I could feel his impatience that he wanted me to be different than what I was and I couldn’t be. I was emotional, expressive and very very authentic. Assoon as I realize he wanted me to be quiet and perfect – I could feel the panic starting to happen in my feet and hands. That tingling feeling that lightheadedness that yes disassociation. I got scared.
Ever since my trip – panic attacks had happened A handful of times and they scared the shit out of me. I didn’t have control over my body. I knew the anxiety caused the bodily sensations and that I should stop thinking because the thinking was the problem but I had no control over any of it I started to lose myself in that dentist chair – there was no safety. The dentist was mad at me. The assistant was silently backing him up and I was all alone in my panic
I don’t remember exactly what I was saying or doing but I think I might’ve been praying when quite all of a sudden I saw Madeline’s face it was the face of my Madeline my stoic supreme pitbull Madeline
She was big in my mind. She took up all of the space in my mind and she said many times I am here I am here I am here
When I realized that she was really really here in my minds eye – everything started to calm down. My feet and hands stop tingling and everything got very quiet. I knew the drill was still going but I could barely hear it I just keep on focusing on her face looking right at her. At first Mostly she didn’t talk but her presence was deep abiding warmth, safety and protection .
Soon after I saw and felt the presence of Lucille next to her and then Benjamin and then Coda next to Benjamin they were all sitting in a lotus position next to each other.
I don’t remember exactly what I was saying to them – mostly to Madeline – but I was asking for help. Asking for this emergency help

Her voice was very strong yet soft and motherly and extremely Reassuring. She kept on saying “we are here for you, we have never left you, we will never leave you, we are always here for you. Never doubt that.”
She was very deliberate and what she was saying. There was no hesitation but everything was said very slow and deliberate
The other three were silent but they had the same reassuring presence that Madeline did. They were looking down in meditation but sometimes at me. Their gaze was unwavering. Not really moving much down or occasionally at me
More soon

Leave a Reply