Part two

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I don’t know how long Madeline was talking to me while the three others status in silent meditation next to her but at some point I saw a very bright light in my minds eye
It was yellow and orange in hue and I had suddenly taken over my closed eyes.

Was certainly aware that I was at the dentist and I was in the chair and I remember asking him if he had suddenly turned on the light and he said no. The light stayed. I remember being babies in an incredible feeling of warmth and joy and love.
It was a complete radical departure from the panic and anxiety that my body and mind was having just a short time before
I’ve never been able to pray myself out of a panic or anxiety attack. I’ve never been able to breathe myself out of one. They’ve always happened and they suck
And anxiety attack is just extreme anxious thinking and overwhelm. A panic attack feels like you may die physically. I had to on my cross country trip and one in my Berkeley apartment about a month ago. This fourth one was thwarted by Madeline’s arrival

I find it really interesting that she was the abiding presence in this spectacular experience. Because in life – she was The most quiet and on the sidelines out of all of my dogs. She was the one that not many new intimately besides my mom, Kate and myself. Those three people mattered the most to her. She was my Buddha girl. Stoic, quiet and supremely enlightened. But no one really knew it because of her apparent detached nature.
I think she was just ABIDING in PURE CONSCIOUSNESS the entire time she lived on this earth.
The others – Benjamin, Lucille and Coda played a very important role in this direct experience. It’s like they were backing up Madeline. They were there as reinforcement for her message.

The message was and will always be-

We are never separate from you. We are always in you, with you and forever for you. There is no separation. there is no death. There is just pure abiding consciousness and love. Rest in this knowledge and may you find peace

At some point – the procedure ended and I came back to the chair.
I was excited and I think I said something like that “something happened to me ,something happened to me ,I don’t think you will believe me but Angels came to me”
The dentist said something disregarding like – “whatever you needed to make you come down I’m glad it helped”
We had a longer conversation afterwords and he told me he was a Buddhist. I told him that what happened to me was not religious and had no god really. And I try to explain it to him and I think we found a middle ground but ultimately it really doesn’t matter because what I experienced will be forever held in my heart as the deepest truth of who I am

They came to me when I needed them the most

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There’s much more to convey but this is part one
So stress certainly can hurt the body. Not going to go on with my litany of elements but one of the things I’ve had to deal with is grinding my teeth for many many years and TMJ and finally I decided to gift myself crowns – I need many crowns from all the grinding but all I could put on a credit card was the six front
I had the appointment last week to do the first half of the procedure.

I didn’t sleep enough the night before and went into the dentist a bit dazed and stressed out. It’s pouring rain outside my dogs were in the truck and I was soaking wet from walking them before. I know that I stuck out like a sore thumb in their office because I was harried, wet and talking about how worried I was about my dogs

My friend recently called eccentric. I have never ever thought of myself like that. In my mind eye – I don’t see myself as some artsy fartseccentric gal . see myself as very down to earth but. Maybe in the last several months I am some kind of odd specimen walking around not completely present with too much on her mind and strange mannerisms

Anyways the dental proper procedure was quite intense actually drill into your teeth and make them smaller the dentist really wanted me to take the laughing gas but I remember hating that stuff because it made me feel very spacey and out of it. And I realize that I don’t really want drugs to make me do that I either want them to make me feel more awake, more alert, more conscious or more open but not disassociated .I wonder why some people choose drugs that make them feel fuzzy and others choose drugs that make them feel less so I wonder if it hasto do a trauma
The dentist was becoming a bit impatient with me because I was resisting the laughing gas and resisting more Novocain but suddenly I screamed in pain and agreed for more numbing medicine. It was then that I started to feel like I might have a panic attack – the reason was because I could feel his impatience that he wanted me to be different than what I was and I couldn’t be. I was emotional, expressive and very very authentic. Assoon as I realize he wanted me to be quiet and perfect – I could feel the panic starting to happen in my feet and hands. That tingling feeling that lightheadedness that yes disassociation. I got scared.
Ever since my trip – panic attacks had happened A handful of times and they scared the shit out of me. I didn’t have control over my body. I knew the anxiety caused the bodily sensations and that I should stop thinking because the thinking was the problem but I had no control over any of it I started to lose myself in that dentist chair – there was no safety. The dentist was mad at me. The assistant was silently backing him up and I was all alone in my panic
I don’t remember exactly what I was saying or doing but I think I might’ve been praying when quite all of a sudden I saw Madeline’s face it was the face of my Madeline my stoic supreme pitbull Madeline
She was big in my mind. She took up all of the space in my mind and she said many times I am here I am here I am here
When I realized that she was really really here in my minds eye – everything started to calm down. My feet and hands stop tingling and everything got very quiet. I knew the drill was still going but I could barely hear it I just keep on focusing on her face looking right at her. At first Mostly she didn’t talk but her presence was deep abiding warmth, safety and protection .
Soon after I saw and felt the presence of Lucille next to her and then Benjamin and then Coda next to Benjamin they were all sitting in a lotus position next to each other.
I don’t remember exactly what I was saying to them – mostly to Madeline – but I was asking for help. Asking for this emergency help

Her voice was very strong yet soft and motherly and extremely Reassuring. She kept on saying “we are here for you, we have never left you, we will never leave you, we are always here for you. Never doubt that.”
She was very deliberate and what she was saying. There was no hesitation but everything was said very slow and deliberate
The other three were silent but they had the same reassuring presence that Madeline did. They were looking down in meditation but sometimes at me. Their gaze was unwavering. Not really moving much down or occasionally at me
More soon