The Love of my Life happened to be a Rottweiler

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and because of this- I need to be around people who “get it”.   I am feeling a bit lost with friends that don’t quite know what to do with my continued grief.  They certainly don’t need to say something perfect to get me over it.  That ain’t gonna happen.  I just want them to know there is this gaping hole that is ever present and I am not going to be myself for some time..How much time?  who knows, maybe years…

This is a quote I resonate with right now:  ”  Dead: The act of goneness, an incomprehensible  event that leaves me mute”.   I am truly humbled by this process of grief.  It has forever changed me.  The change has no label or explanation yet..it is just so apparent to me that I am no longer the woman I was 4 months ago.

Because of this monumental shift in my perception of Life- I am going to a pet loss support group tomorrow.  I wonder who will be there, what stories will be shared,  how many tears can fill a room.  I just want to tell someone that knows- our story.  The love affair between my boy and I.  It may sound cynical to say to you reading this- but I am quite sure- that this Love is my Love of a Lifetime.  It penetrated my wounded heart and healed it.   Benjamin convinced me that Love is possible, trust is possible,  healing is possible,   Everything is possible when Authentic Nature is the force behind Relationship.

Benjamin showed me that I don’t have to be anyone else but myself. I  don’t have to hide behind a mask or walk on eggshells or tell stories to keep your interest. I am simply good enough just being me.  This gift will carry me through this lifetime and I hope  ( and he does too!) that it enables me to give the gift of myself to others worthy of it.

 

It’s time to bring his ashes home

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They are right upstairs, with good people- Kate and Jen.  They have them next to a Buddha statue.  They brought them home from the hospital for me a few weeks after he passed.  I have not been able to have them with me.  Now I feel this welling up of wanting them here.  I will ask for them tomorrow. I will bring his ashes home.  It is only symbolic, I know.  He is not the ashes.  He is so so so much bigger.  He is infinite.

But bringing them home here to sit on his altar- is a step in my healing.  It says to me- I am accepting. I am surrendered. I am available for more opening.  I will cry a river of tears when I carry this wooden box home.  I will undoubtedly curl up and wail a thousand cries.  And with these tears- come a Surrendered Heart. I have no blocks, no boundaries, no walls.  My boy says- you don’t need them “where” I am at, mom. and he wants to bring this “place” to me- fully alive in my body,mind and heart.  He wants me to experience the Grace of a fully Open Heart.

These ashes will bear witness to my path of opening.  These ashes will continue bringing me to my knees.  These ashes will point me deeper inside my Silent Witness- the one who sees All and knows with no doubt that THERE IS NO SEPARATION.  My boy is here, next to me, in the Vastness of the Space called Unconditional Love.   I am ready to bring them home, and I am ready to continue on the journey Home, inside the Bliss of Pure Awakened Mind.

Benjamin, I love you forever.  The forever that has no beginning and no end.  The Forever that resides Now and has us always reunited and always connected.