I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. I need to tell someone right now. I hope it is okay to share with all of you-
I miss my boy so so so so much., It is unbearable in this moment. I can’t believe I will never have him next to me again.. He was Goodness. He was Kindness. He was Unconditional Love and Acceptance. He was Courage. He was Forgiveness. He was Perfection.
There is nothing I can do. Nothing I can fix. This is permanent. All I can do is endure, endure, endure.
Life is going on, without my boy. I am functioning at a fairly high capacity- working , mostly eating okay, mostly sleeping okay, socializing now and again…and then WHAM!!! I am on the ground, flailing in my grief. Humbled by the magnitude of my loss. It has gotten to the time where I don’t share so much with friends. They may make the assumption that I am moving through it. They don’t know these quiet desperate moments of complete surrender.
There is the necessity of distraction and numbing- a little tv, facebook, food, sweets,- all addictions that won’t kill me. But then there is also the necessity of FEELING. My heart knows that healing is through feeling. Feeling all the huge massive wave of loss will ultimately quiet this mind. It will ultimately rest my soul, it will ultimately feed my hungry heart.
This is where I am at tonight- allowing the earthquake in my heart to register at the highest crest. No holding back, no stopping, no numbing, no distraction.Then I will crawl into bed, with a full and tender heart, This is where I will find my deepest connection to my beloved Benjamin. He is already there- patiently waiting for this busy mind to find its way back to him.