Missing him acutely

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I am tired. I am sad. I am tired of being sad. I am tired of  surrendering. I am tired of this grief.  I just miss him so much every day. I have nothing inspirational coming up right now.  I simply miss my boy with all my heart.

I miss him. He has things to say too..

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Nothing coming through this morning, except the longing and missing.  It’s so big. This loss is immense in my heart.  Everything has changed. Everything.  I can’t believe he is gone.  He was the center of my life.  and it was all good.  I was completely fulfilled in loving him.  There was nothing that was not Whole in our Love. It was complete and perfect.  I know the Love is still here, of course it is.  But this huge aching loss of his physical presence just leaves me on my knees.  I adored everything about his tender sweet body.  The older he got- the more fragile he got- and  this made me very attached to being his best caregiver.  I have said it before- I was serving the Beloved.  He was on his “throne” – his dog bed- and I was his loving servant, beside him, always tending to every physical need.  and what a GIFT this was for me.  Because the Love and Presence he gave me was so so vast- It is simply beyond words.

I just got a glimpse from my boy- he is stepping in to say “Mom, the lesson here is that LOVE IS BEYOND FORM.  Step outside the confines of your mind and Know that Our Love is so Alive and Well always. and that our Connection is permanent and unchanging.  We are together RIGHT NOW , it is just your sweet innocent mind that keeps you from seeing it.  So again, Mom, I ask you to find me , find us, in the pauses.  I am there, with you, underneath the busy busy mind.  I may feel like a whisper at first.  Don’t try too hard to “find me”, that will stress you out!  Just observe, breathe, pause- and enter the room that is our place of connection.  I am always here- ready to hold you.

Funny thing- I never know when he is going to step in and talk to me. This post was just going to be about the missing.  My boy knew I needed some reassurance this morning.  I have felt lost a bit.  His death has changed me,  in ways I do not yet know how to explain, nor do I know how I will “end up”.  I may appear more open, more disorganized,  scattered, quieter right now.  It is all an Un-Doing.  ( he says).  This un- doing is bringing me back to Home. The Home where he dwells.  So friends,  you may not be quite sure how to deal with me in the coming months- just know I am exactly where I should be.

Benjamin says…Find Empathy for those you Hate

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Benjamin told me on the trip- to start , very slowly, without judgement- to look at life as Walking Meditation.  Slowing Down, lots of pausing , noticing the uncertainty, resting in it, if I fall through a crack- just notice the angst. maybe try a little to hold in the outer reaction, but let the inner burn. Then take another step. and another…

Some outer reactions I cannot contain- when someone threatens my children ( dogs) with intense judgement.  They are, after all Pit bull types, and many ignorant people have a lot to say about them.  I can never hold my tongue. It is as if they are spitting on my sons and daughters. I return with sharp acerbic retaliation. This has been a pattern for many years and there is a lesson in these confrontations.  Benjamin asks me to pause and reflect.

The outer reaction of anger will only fuel the inner demons.  The inner demon is telling you “Believe this thought!!”  “Believe that all people are evil and mean”  “Believe that the world is a hopeless place of misery”  “Don’t trust !”   “Change will never come”   “Ignorance rules”.  and on and on.  When I spit out my venom back- I am perpetuating the myths of my tortured angry mind. I am saying  ” I believe you and I am the same misery as you”.  But Benjamin asks me to pause here….

Aren’t we all just wounded souls believing our misery?   Aren’t we all just creatures of our past programming of grief and judgement?  Did any of us come from Buddha parents?  Aren’t we all capable AT SOME POINT of change?  Change that happens when we question our inner demons.  So the old woman who yelled at me yesterday to “put those dogs on leash because they kill people!”  ( yes, it happened!!) is just lost inside her dark lonely unquestioned mind.  Just like I am- when I judge someone without hearing their story.  Benjamin asks me to DIG VERY DEEPLY in my Heart.  Stop the outer reaction in its tracks.   Stop it.  Don’t let more venom into this already angry world.  Stop and LOOK DIRECTLY Into her eyes- and see the suffering. Find the connection.  It is there. if I cannot do more than this- then this is enough for now.  Look into her eyes, then move on in Silence.  Leave her with the Silence of a more open heart then the one that wants to shred her.

Then Benjamin says- maybe at the next encounter with the ignorant and pained- you will GO DEEPER.  This will take deep practice and conviction to LOVE BEYOND ALL ELSE.  Maybe next time- you will stand unwavering in this woman’s presence- and simply say  ” I hear you, I acknowledge your pain. I am so sorry”.

Benjamin says, “baby steps, mom”  Just small- Treat Life like Walking Meditation. Pause, Slow way down. Stumble into a crack and just notice the angst that arises, then as lovelingly as you can- pick up your foot and step forward again.

Love, Your son, Benjamin

The Benjamin Story is My Story- he is asking me to be my own Mother

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From the moment I saw him, I knew we were destined for greatness.  The “Mama Bear” awoke with fury.  Every ounce of my being screamed  ” I am here for you now , I will never desert you, I will protect you, I will heal you, I will nurture you back to Wholeness.”  My Heart opened wider than I had ever allowed it to open- the moment I saw my beloved in pain and fear- I  became his Mother.  This love cannot be spoken of adequately in these words,it is  simply best experienced.

My Beloved now asks that I do the same for Me.  My little girl needs it. The one who doubts that the world is a safe place.  He came here to tell me otherwise.  Benjamin has a Story, many of you know the first chapters.  There are many more to come,slowly- he will inspire me to share the wisdom within that is awakening.  It will come in pieces, as these very paragraphs are doing- a bit disjointed perhaps- but if read slowly – the message will be clear-

Love Heals Everything.  Love is Our True Nature.  Love has no Boundaries, Love has No Expectations. Love is Vast, beyond Form. Love is always Present. Love never Dies.  Love is Who We Are.

My boy came to me from a backyard- well- he called me to come to him-and in a flash, I released him from his chain of fear and hopelessness- and begin a journey to Wholeness.  He is gone from this physical plane now but his teachings are just as loud and great- he says to me  “Mom, it is now time to heal your heart- It is now time to nurture and give loving attention to your precious insides just as you did with me.  Expand the Grace of this Limitless Love to you, to others.”  Take your tired, scared, anxious mind and tend to it with loving kindness just as you did with me for 10 years, never ever giving up on me.  Always present with me. Always available to me.  Tend to yourself now little girl.  I am so so good , mom. I am with Source, I am that Limitless Love that you experienced in our connection.  I am here by your side, championing you now- to enter your next chapter of Healing.

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Benjamin, in his majesty, is showing me the way to Truth always. What a blessed life I have- to have this Teacher, awakening me to my True Nature.

Let the Love In, all the way.  Be Inside Love.

Death is Total Surrender of Control

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Emotional pain has been a fairly common theme in my life.  I have done loads of inner work around it and will continue to be open to healing, evolving and acceptance.  With Benjamin’s passing, I  have  come to realize my mind is a “fixer”.  It compulsively tries to fix my pain. It is a pain eating machine- by “doing” and “thinking”.  I feel pain, my mind wants to fix it somehow and many times- I can somehow mitigate or lessen it through doing or thinking my way out.

Well Here comes Death and slams my Doing Mind wide Closed!  There is nothing to do, nothing to fix, nothing to change. Death stops the mind in its tracks.  It has shocked to my core.  I cannot fix this!  No amount of doing or thinking is going to bring my beloved boy back to me.  I sit here in disbelief and total surrender.   I am fighting this…but the fight can’t sustain itself.  I can kick and scream and beg yet my boy, in his physical presence, is no more.

So I will fight until the fight burns out. I will fully allow the little girl in me to cry and wail until she is saturated with her tears…and then Surrender will take over, in its soft sweeping presence.  I will surrender. I will give up. I will stand tall with Heart Wide Open- and in this moment- my boy will smile his vast loving smile and tell me- “Mom , We are Home”.