Benjamin asks me to now be my own trainer- to train my violent mind with Love

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Benjamin keeps communicating to me daily.  His mastery is just as strong in his passing.  I asked him why he had to leave now, why now?  This is what he said:

“You got to experience Vast Infinite Love with me through our physical connection.  Many people never experience this in their lifetime. I came to you to give you direct experience the bliss that is this Love.  This Love knows no boundaries,  has no labels, has no doubts, grows infinitely and never judges.  This is Source experienced in the body here and now.  I left at this time because I knew you were ready to evolve to the next phase in your evolving. In fact, if I stayed- you would not move on. You were so content with our Love that you stopped moving toward Self Love and Love of others in its most Pure state  ( that we shared).  I left because I know it is your time to continue this journey of Love. I am here always with you, watching you, and sending you many messages to help you open to this Love of self and others.  You will find me in the Silence of the Heart.  Sit with me as often as you can. Come to our room,sit on my bed, and I will be there to sit in Love with you. Ask me anything and in the Silence- the Truth will awaken in you.

There is a direct way for you to grow in this path of Self Love. I am asking you to be your own trainer as you were with me.  You trained me and became my leader- from a place of total determination, openness and steadfast devotion.  I ask you to do the same for your precious heart.  You trained the aggression and anxiety out of me. You never gave up on me.  You were my mother, leader, and best friend even when others said I was a lost cause.  I ask you to have the same devotion to your own violent mind.  Your mind is separating you from Source.  Your mind is telling you things that are not true.  Your mind is scared and aggressive- approach it just as you did me when I was so violent-  with Loving Kindness yet Assertive Presence- this presence can lead the mind out of darkness.

Question your mind. Don’t believe the stressful painful thoughts. Question them until you see the other side. Find the crack in the thoughts.  This is where the light comes in. This is where the Heart is resting. Underneath the harried mind is the Limitless Love that you and I know together. This Love is waiting for you to know itself now through YOU, as well as through me. ”

My boy is here, closer than close- giving me the signal of the next chapter of my evolving.  This is what Masters do- never stop teaching- from a place of pure love and connectedness.  Thank you Benjamin. I love you. and may I begin to find that Love for self and others.

All the many things I miss….

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His drooping left eye

His back foot with only 3 toes

His old man mouth with black speckles throughout his gums

his worn down teeth

his thick dense smelly black fur

his wobbley back legs

the way he always would wait for me if he got just a little ahead of me.  he knew I could help guide him and he trusted that.

The way he puffed up around a big dominant male.  Didn’t matter that his legs were wobbley, he would show him who was King.

The way he would follow an intact male around with great fervor, with a dash of intimidation, but mostly just being a good Alpha

His roar every time the door bell rang. His need to protect till his
last days.  but as soon as he saw it was a good friend- he would wiggle his little nub tail and grab his monkey for them.

The way he would wait patiently until a dog dropped their ball and then mosey over and pick it up – acting like he had just hunted and stalked it for miles.

Then he would lay down and lick on it- showing off to the surrounding pups-  cleaning and prepping the ball as if it were a newly killed dear.

How he loved to mark his territories far and wide, and even at 13, this was important to him.

How he loved to lay down in big deep puddles and just lay there, for minutes.  looking at me to be acknowledged- “Hey mom- i am here, this is so so cool!”

How he always ventured down to any beach he could make his way down to.  Water was his therapy.  This was because on one
of our first walks- we went to Pt Pinole and his joy of being off leash overcame his fear of the water and in minutes- he was running through the tides with utter abandonement.

The way he would watch me, whever I would go.  he was a strong boy, but his mom mattered most to him.  Home was where I was. and I felt the very same.

How I accepted so much fixing, messing with in his last years- the pills, the heating pads, the acupuncture, the stretching, the cleaning, multiple surgeries.  Never once a growl or a nip.

How everyone in all his vet hospitals knew the Benjamin and his story.  Every Vet, technician and front staff- knew how much he had overcame and the great statesman he had become.

How he had his special bed –  placed perfectly so he could see everyone who entered the house.  and none of the girls ever got on it.  This was his throne.  He was their leader and they knew his place.

His old man bark-  he could still muster a big one when needed.

How he loved to be stroked deeply under his chin and on his chest.  He would make these moans of ectasy and all was good in our worlds.

Everyone in town saw us and knew Old Man Benjamin-  people who would normally be afraid of the breed- saw him- in his later
more vulnerable state- and that softened their fears.  They saw an old soul trying hard to stand tall and show his grace even with a tired body.  He helped me make so many nice connections with people I otherwise would not have.

How 2 days before his death- he happily did 5 minutes on the underwater treadmill- eating his favorite treats and being cheerleaded by  me and Joni- his favorite rehab nurse.  he never wanted to give up.

How I know without a doubt, he brought Abbey girl to me, months ago- they must have had a conversation- and he said I was going to need a special muse- full of laughter and lightness- to help me through the darkness of my loss.  Thank you my son for this gift of Abbey.

He taught me that Wise Masters come in animal bodies.  He taught me that deep abuse can lead to awakening which leads to love, teaching, and spreading the Wisdom. I was HIS VESSEL.  I was here to serve him, so that he could teach me how to serve other dogs in great need of rehabiliation.

He taught me that even when there is severe aggression, – it is just often a doorway to step through with inner conviction- where Love and Leadership can shift it all.

He taught me that Home is where Unconditional Love is.  Home is where he was.  and even thought his physical presence is gone now-  I am starting to see that Home is where we ALWAYS are together in Divine Vast Love that knows no death.

He was always the leader of any and all packs I walked- but he did it in his measured dignfied way- that never instilled fear in the pack, just deep abiding respect.

His old man farts and how he could care less about them.

The way he would quiver his lips when he got an especially good scent of urine on a tree

His crazy love for female dogs in  heat.  No matter how wobbley his old man knees were. he would try his damndest to mount her.

How he always ate past all the good veges in his dish, just to get to the meat.

The smile that took over his face.

His eyes following me whereever I went.  always keeping an eye out for me.

From Dan Kuklo:   I only have one poignant memory of Benjamin and Lucille.  It seemed to me both your pups were at their best at UC.  Lucille tossed her brooding nature aside and frolicked in all directions, chasing squirrels, careening in the creek and enjoyed a high state of abandon.  Benjamin also seemed fulfilled there. But in his very different way.  He was so smooth and comfortable that he was able to take a sublime joy there, especially in the three main bathing pools.  Like a pigeon takes a bath, Benjamin could just be still and meditate on his good fortune.  Dogs don’t do that in my experience except for him.  He was a deep spirit.  I’m equally sorry for his loss and your loss.  But he is passed it now and you still have further to go on the trail.

The way his tired old back legs would cave in a bit when I gave him deep massage there.   He loved the deep rubs.
On our walks- if he got a few steps ahead of me, he would always wait. turn around and wait for me to come. I think he liked me leading him as he got older.

His extreme pride at being helped anywhere. he hated it when I lifted him over things like rocks and wood.  He would see me coming and instead start to move faster to get an old man running start to go over- rather than have me help him.

How serene he looked when he would find the best biggest puddle to lay down in.  He would just lay there so richly fulfilled.

His face when he wanted me to acknowledge him for something-
just a quiet look of hopeful expectation for his mom to say “ I see you”

How he would perk up and muscle up when other dominant boys would come by.  No matter how sore or tired he was moments before- he would enlarge those shoulders and strut to show his prowless around them.

How he so so loved to be toweled off.  He would come to me and lean against me as soon as he saw me with the towel.  he would push the other girls out of the way. I think this was from one of his first memories with me- the day I rescued him and his first bath at Pet Food express.  Most likely, the first loving touch he had ever had.

His big front chest. a barrel.

The morning howl with Lucille every morning for many years. how she would always start it, then he would chime in , and her voice was high and his was deep, low and long.  union, joining.  and how it would trickle off to just small utterings.

His magnificent profound transformation from aggressive beast to noble centered stable dog.

The way he would correct Lucille with a snarl, a growl, a look, if she got too close to his bed.  Only her.  and she loved it! she loved his reprimands.

How whenever Lucille was stressed or insecure. she would go lay right next to him, usually touching him.

How 10 years , after I would turn the lights off to go to bed,  15
minutes later or so- he would always come in the bedroom to sleep with me. I could sense him enter. and he would be standing there. I would acknowledge him and only then , would he make his way to lay on his bed.

How hearing him sleep deeply brought me so much comfort.

He would do that funny thing with his mouth- taking in some amazing smell – like a computer chip so much more advanced than our nose.

His effervescent smile. big, wide, so so happy.

How wide his front limbs were from each other.  He walked like a soldier on a mission.

his absolute delight with female dogs in heat.

his white underbelly

his battle scars. ear, legs, – the stories they tell of his survial and transformation.

The way he loved when I would give him a big full massage- he would stretch out his back legs and spread out in total bliss.

He always knew I was coming home- he was fully alert and waiting for me.  very happy. very ready for our one on one time.

His fear of flies.   sweetness , innocence.

The way his whole face expanded with his smile.

When he layed down on the walks-  he looked very content and regal.  also- always keeping one eye on me.

The thickness of his Fur especially around his neck – so lush.

The way he smelled- deeply familiar, comforting, like an old man.

How he would let me do anything to him. Never a growl. ever.

His ears that seemed a bit too small for his head.  like little airplane wings.

His perfectly imperfect Rottweiler stature.

His little Nub- Rapid movement when he was excited.
His black toenails

How absolutely adorable he looked in his raincoat and sweater.

Our vacation in Tahoe.  Experiencing  his first snow!  His perseverance on the walks.  always trudging along.  making the way down the small hillls with his rickedy back legs. but perfectly beautiful doing it.

How he owned his bed. it was HIS and the other dogs knew it and respected it.

His fierceness with raccoons and skunks.  The fights!  His skillful predatory drive.  Scary, but somehow admirable and awe inspiring.

The Lucille and Benjamin morning howl that took place almost every morning for years.  She would start by looking at him and yodeling. then he would chime in and soon , both their heads would be thrown back with deep primal howls- what were they saying to each other?  The mystery of it left me deeply affected.

The love of my life. simple. forever. The love was limitless. It grew every day, in every moment of our interactions, in the silence.

The Heart is where I will find my beloved Benjamin

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My belly is full from dinner with lovely friends. I don’t have much energy to write. but I feel drawn to say this- everyone Slow down! pause! Sit!  Stop! and I tell myself this most of all. Benjamin clearly told me the other night- “Mom, the way to feel me so close again- is through the Heart. and the way to Heart- is by quiet still sitting. Just slow down.  Take 10 minutes to sit, watch the thoughts come and go , allow the heart to open, and it is here- I am waiting for you. always.

Benjamin teaches me still. He is asking me to find him because he knows how very sad and in longing I am.  He gave me very simple instructions- Slow Down, be with your heart, watch the thoughts yet do not grasp on them, and welcome my presence.  I am always here , always available, but it is through Stillness and Silence that you will feel me the most.

This is what a Master does- keep teaching way beyond his physical death.  Thank you beloved.  May I see you in my dreams or in the quiet of my waking.  I love you.  p1010046

Benjamin is Home

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I talked today to a man named Dearborn Clark- that my therapist recommended. He is able to often connect with Highest Levels of Consciousness.  I talked to him yesterday and told him about my grief over Benjamin.  He was kind, but a bit triggering because he said it is rare, but not impossible for a higher being to be in the form of an animal. In general- the evolving goes from animal to human. I  told him I thought Benjamin was a master, old soul, much more than a dog.
So today-  he helped me go to a meditative state in my heart. away from my mind . and then asked me to go to a room that would be comfortable. in a chair or bed. I choose Benjamin’s bed.  and then MY WHOLE INSIDES- ESPECIALLY MY HEART HEATED UP REALLY INTENSELY- and Benjamin came into the room- looking like him, but younger and stronger and  a little different in the face.
Well- we talked alot. and this is what was said:
1- Benjamin is a fully Awake  Being. .  He is a Master, very very old. and he decided to come in the form of a dog because it would help me evolve the deepest- at this phase in my life.  Dearborn felt it immediately and was quite surprised that my intuition was right.
2- He is not going to come back to physical for some time. He feels like he can do more work in this bodyless state of High Consciousness.
3-  He left his body now because he had work to do with others. to help them evolve.
4- He also left because he felt that I was becoming too attached to his physical  form and he wanted me to know that I could experience fully the Vastness of Source Love  without his body here.
5-  He is Home. Home Home.  and supremely at peace and very ready for more work  to help others.
6-  I can be with him anytime I drop into the heart and away from the mind.
7-  He now wants me to become more open to experiencing this Unconditional Love with Myself and with Others.  This is my most important work now. to evolve.
Thank you for listening.  There are those of you that may doubt, not understand, or be a pessimist.  It’s okay. I am one of those too!  No one should try to convince anyone of anything , it must be directly experienced.  and for 10 years, I experienced the kind of Love that has no words, no definitions, no boundaries.  Deep Abiding Presence that was never born and shall never die. I got to experience this presence in the form of Benjamin.  and today, my communication with him, through Dearborn Clark was like a huge reaffirming of what I already knew inside.  The heat of my heart that I felt when Benjamin first entered “the room” where I meditated was stronger than any wind or rain that  blew today.  It almost rocked me off the couch.  This is the direct experience that has left me deeply at peace today.

The mind will most likely wake up tomorrow with more pain, suffering, questioning, loss. and this is okay, this is natural. This is what the mind does.

I can  then simply sit and get back to the place of my Open Heart- and there is my soul sitting with Benjamin soul- in Love and never separate.

Benjamin spoke through a good man tonight

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I have a therapist of sorts.  I am not sure what to label him. but I can say one thing- he is TAPPED IN.  I go in and out of seeing him for sessions- but now I want to see him often- very often…because- he is tapped in to “where” Benjamin is.  My session was simply out of this world.  He said he felt Benjamin’s presence as I was driving up. He was deeply moved. and he channeled Benjamin to me.  Benjamin spoke to me.    There really are no words to explain the depth of what happened.  Benjamin is with Source – deeply at peace and deeply loved and deeply free.  he wants me to know we are forever connected and will meet again. That my mind is the only thing that is separating us.  he is closer than close.

He wants me to know relax, trust, be open, go slow- in these moments- I may touch in to “where” he is at.  He is EVERYWHERE.   He is vaster than vast. He is so loved and so deeply close to me- that it is even richer than our love in the physical.

Our meeting in the physical is just a tiny blip amidst the Hugeness of Source and Infinity.  He asks me to trust in our soul connection.  It is forever- and will never die or be separated. My small mind is just grasping for the physical and Benjamin is assuring me that there our connection is so so so much greater than this.
Tobin was so moved to be communicating with Benjamin.  I couldn’t believe I got to hear from Benjamin.  I am at peace in this moment.  so in love and at peace.  I know the mind will taunt me again, but now that I have talked to Benjamin directly- I believe I can access this memory and Tobin and I will continue to record it, so that I can listen and remember the knowledge that is now alive in Benjamin and can be alive in me- if I trust and pause.

Thank you Tobin for the gift of direct communication with my boy.

I miss you

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Everything feels so different. Everything has changed.  I lived to love you . I even lived to serve you.  Most people will cringe at this-  not understanding what this means.  After all, he was a dog and I was his master, right?  Well Yes, and No.  I became his master in order to show him how to trust the world again because it had been so cruel to him.  But once this shift occurred and all was  stable and serene in his mind-  He became my Beloved and I was here to serve him.

What does this mean?  Imagine, an angel coming to earth to bestow the biggest blessings on you-  where your heart is so filled with love and peace that you feel indestructible.  When I was next to Benjamin- every fibre in my being glowed with an immense light and love.  I most vibrantly alive when caring for him. Time stood still when I laid with him. Each pour in my body was filled with limitless love when I fed him, watered him, cleaned him, massaged him, sang to him, played with him.

You see, I was serving the Beloved.  Just as someone sat with Buddha and perhaps soaked his feet or wiped his brow.  Each small act of care made me touch God.   God, Source, Limitless Love- call it what you want.  Benjamin brought me to this place of Infinite Unchanging Love, never born and never to die.

How can I even explain it to you here?  Words are so limiting.  Benjamin, my Beloved. My teacher. My Son. Thank you for showing me God.

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My Grief is a Tsunami

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In the days, weeks and months to follow, I want to give life again to the Benjamin story, from beginning to end.  I am just beginning to understand the magnitude of this Precious Creature’s gift to my life and to the world around me.  This much I can say with all assurance- he was a Master, an Old Soul brought here to transform me and in doing this- he inspired massive healing to many many dogs in great need.

But for now, I am riding the tsunami of grief.  I did not know that the well could be so deep that I have trouble getting up and out.  Moment by moment, I fall apart. I lose all my footing. I struggle to see a future.  But then his deep gruff voice tells me to get up and look around- that my pack of girls need me so!  That my friends are here for me fully, that my pack of walking and training dogs need me.  So I stand up and pray that tomorrow will be less dark.

The unimaginable pain of grief has left me completely surrendered. Open arms begging for mercy.  I know Benjamin is worried about me.  I know he always wanted to protect me as I protected him.  He is hoping that I will go on, perhaps even prodding me as I open my front door.  Windy and Rainy and stormy these days are- and my heart aches for his touch, smell, voice,.

Bear with me, I will not be editing these days to come. Nothing to hold back.  Nothing to censor.  and in the days much farther along, when I can pause and reflect on The totality of who he was-  I hope you travel with me on the journey of The Benjamin Story.

To all my friends who have stood so near me this past week- I love you.  p1010176

Benjamin passed 3/11/2011

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Benjamin passed 3/11/2011  surrounded by his mother, in total love and devotion.  His story continues to unfold and in the following weeks will be told on these pages.